Never Have I Ever
by VanillaVanity
Summary: Kate, Sixteen, auditions for a part-time gig in BTR and is thrown on a tour bus with them for 3 months. But when demons from Kate's last life and new one come into play, things will never be as it seems. Rated M for Violence, Abuse,& maybe a Lemon or two.
1. The White Horse and the Cherry Tree

**A/N: This is my first BTR fiction so I hope you all enjoy it. Please review or send me a PM. I love to talk (: **

**This is only an intro so it's going to be _much_ shorter then the rest of the chapters. It will get better then this. I pinky promise !**

**Big Time Thanks to StainedRosePetal for helping me out with this fic. **

**I own nothing but the thoughts from my head. **

**Chapter One : The White Horse and the Cherry Tree.**

Games are played, and lives were changed. That's how I ended up here. Well, not here here. Away from my home-town here.

I'm Kate, and this is your look into my screwed up life.

-x-x-x-x-

"Kate Reid" Kelly called. My neck snapped around so fast I swore to myself.

"Right this way" She smiled. I got up,straightened my white cotton dress, grabbed my guitar, and was on my way down a long hallway filled with posters of music groups. I gasped in awe.

"Go into the last door on your right and Gustavo and the boys will we waiting for you."

With that remark, she disappeared. "Wow. A girl could get used to this." Walking down the halls was like a dream. _This could be my life_. I thought. _No._ _This will be my life. _There was no way I could go back home. If where I came from counted as a home that is.

I walked into the room Kelly suggested and saw Gustavo Rocque and the boys from Big Time Rush sat like they did in American Idol. Unlike American Idol, they were in the middle of an argument.

"I don't see why we need a girl in the first place. BTR is doing just fine as it is." Carlos argued. His tan skin really offset everybody in the room. Then again, so did his helmet.

"Because, boy bands don't appeal to boys. With a girl it opens up your market. She's not going to be in all of your songs just a few anyway. Why am I explaining myself to you I'm the boss !" Gustavo exclaimed. It made me cringe. _That's my future boss. How exciting. _

"Gustavo, none of these girls have even showed us any sort of talent. If I hear anymore Justin Beiber I will walk out." James complained. _Ah,he's the pretty one. With some smarts too._

"Excuse me" I said. Glancing across the panel as they all turned my way. I felt bad for interrupting their tirade but then again, I didn't.

" Name, Age, and Place of Origin." Logan said looking down at his clip-board.

"Kate Reid. I'm sixteen. My place of origin is England, but I'm from Grand Rapids, Michigan." I glanced down at my acoustic guitar. I sat down on a stool in the center of the room and pulled up my instrument.

"What will you be singing?" Gustavo asked. Looking at the guitar like it was a foreign instrument.

"White Horse, by Taylor Swift." I smiled, hoping for a smile back. I only got that reaction from Kendall.

"Well lets hear it." Kendall said, still smiling.

Then, I sang. I sang like it was my last chance at life. Which, in all reality. It was.

**-x-x-x-x-**

After being politely asked to leave and reminded they have my number I felt like crap.

_I'm going to have to go back home. Back to him..._

"No." I said aloud. "You kicked ass. You heard them, Kate, everybody else had no talent. You did."

_You don't know that they liked you. They could have put you in the pile with everybody else. Then it's back to Grand Rapids..._

"I hate arguing with myself." I muttered as a slammed the door to the hotel room, and threw myself on the bed. Screamed. Broke a lamp. Then fell asleep.

**-x-x-x-x-**

"_Dance hard, laugh more, turn the music up now Party like a rockstar! Can I get a what now? I swear I'll do, anything that I have to –"_

I was rudely woken up to _'Till I Forget About You,_ my ring-tone.

"Great. Now where did I put that thing?" I groaned as I looked around my bed. Eventually to my night stand and pressed the green button.

"Hello?" I said groggily. I rubbed my eyes as I waited for a response.

"Hey, Kate it's Kendall from Big Time Rush."

I don't know what came over me, but it was probably the fact I just woke up and wasn't thinking straight.

"Yeah right. Goodbye." I sounded as I clicked off, and laid back down on my bed. A minute later I got another phone call. I gave it a few seconds as I read the caller ID. _Rocque Records._

Oh, shit.

I hastily picked up the phone. "Hello?"

"Kate it's really me, Kendall. I just wanted to let you know, that this is very hard for me to say."

_Great. I'm going back. _

I got up and motioned towards my suit case and started to pack up.

"You should be packing right now." I heard him say. _No shit sherlock. _

"You're going to be going on tour with Big Time Rush. Congratulations." He sounded genually elated. I was in disbelief.

"What? I – I got the gig?" I was holding my excitement. I was ready to bounce up and down on the bed.

"Yes, do you think you make it to Rocque records at 8 am tomorrow?"

"Ye – of course ! I'll be there! Thanks so much." I said smiling to myself and laughing for doubting myself.

"Awesome ! I thought you would be happy to know our first stop is in your home-town of Grand Rapids ! "

Just like that, my world collapsed.

And so did I.

" – Kate? Kate are you there?"

_Dial tone. _

**A/N : So did you guys like it? I will try to get the next chapter up tomorrow. Please review and tell me what you think. **

**- Ketaura. **


	2. Dance Me if You Can

**A/N: I hope you all had a happy Fourth of July !**

**Kate's inner thoughts are _italicized_.**

**I hope you all enjoy this and _review. _**

**Disclaimer:**** I don't own Big Time Rush. I only own the writing and the ideas from my head. **

**Chapter Two: Dance Me if You Can.**

The next twelve hours were a blur. I remember a flurry of doctors, nurses, beeps, and people pricking IV's into my arm; but as far as remembering events goes, I was a panda bouncing on the moon.

These sick bastards gave me medication.

**-x-x-x-x-**

When I finally resumed consciousness, the emptiness of the room almost swallowed me whole. I quickly turned on the television to fill the room with noise.

I turned to my side to find some flowers on the night stand. I reached over and grabbed the card.

"_Get Well Soon _

_-Roqcue Records"_

"Feel free to personalize it." I muttered as I flipped over the card. "Dial this number once you wake up..." I read aloud as glanced at the ten-digit number scribbled on the back.

_Somebody visited me?_ _I bet I was great company._

I grabbed the hospital phone and pressed the numbers accordingly.

"Hello?" I heard a deep voice answer.

_Kendall._

"Hey...uh... Kendall it's Kate." I stuttered.

_He came to visit me. He wrote his number on the card. _

"Kate? Guys it's Kate!" He yelled.

I assumed his hand was covering the receptor, but not very well. I could hear everything they were saying.

They all ran over in what seemed like a hurry.

"Is she okay?" James asked. His voice was the easiest to pick up.

"Is she alive?" Carlos chimed. I slapped my hand against my forehead.

"Of course she's alive you idiot she's on the phone with Kendall !" Logan yelled.

"Oh right ! I'm on the phone with her." Kendall realized and quickly removed his phone from the receptor. "Kate? Are you still there?"

I laughed. "Yeah, I'm here."

"So are you okay? Did you, like, hurt anything?" He asked rather rapidly.

"No, no. I think I'm fine. Just a headache."

"Good, Good." His voice trailed for a few seconds. Then he brought it back. "Do you think you're up for visitors?"

"Like all of you?" I said unsure. The last time I saw them they were complaining that they didn't want a girl? Now they all want to rush to my aid?

"Just, you know to prove to Carlos you're not dead and stuff."

Then, the phone was snatched out of Kendall's hand.

"We're coming Kate !" I heard Carlos announce before the dial tone.

Four guys in a boy band coming to rush to my aid. Why didn't I feel as thrilled as any other teen girl?

Ah, that's right. Those bastard doctors drugged me.

**-x-x-x-x- **

Twenty minutes later the boys of Big Time Rush walked into my hospital room. If you would've told me this a month ago I would laugh in your face and walk away. But now, I'm going to be living with them for three months on the road. Just like that a thought ran through my head and I blurted it out.

"Am I going to be fired?"

As soon as I said it, I wanted to recall the statement back into my subconscious.

They all looked surprised at my question.

"You're not going to be fired." James said in a reassuring voice.

"Gustavo _wanted_ too. Saying how you couldn't handle it and all..." Carlos chimed.

My face dropped.

"_But _we argued to let you stay." Logan finished.

Okay. You have _officially_ lost the drugged-up blondie.

"You guys what? You saw me once in the audition . Why would you fight for me with your boss?"

"It was his idea to have a female join the band." Kendall said, taking a seat closest to the hospital bed. The others followed and sat. "and we refuse to loose the only girl with talent." He finished.

"That was so sweet of you guys." I cracked a smile. Hell, I cracked a big smile.

"You're apart of our band now." Logan said. "We fight for our own." His smile matched the one I was wearing.

"Okay." I giggled. "Group hug. Everybody come give me a hug."

As we embraced I felt, good. My whole life I've never been apart of anything and I never felt needed or that I belonged. With them, I finally did.

Then the nurse came in and cleared her throat.

"Well this is the first time I've seen you since I woke up. How are you?" Drugged-up or not. My sarcasm never fails me.

"Ms. Reid please understand we have many patients. Your levels are stabled and there is no concussion. We are releasing you." She said as she handed me the paper work.

I smiled again. "I'm being released?"

"Yes ma'am." She replied and walked out. I shifted through the paperwork and signed it .

I was about to get up before Kendall pointed out the obvious.

"You can't leave yet." He stated.

"Why not? I'm being released." I pouted.

"No I mean you physically can't leave." He walked over to me. "Your IV's are still in."

"Oh" I blushed. My cheeks turned bright red.

"I can take them out." Kendall sounded sure of himself as he grasped my arm and pulled the IV's out carefully and gentle. His touch gave me goosebumps. I barely even felt the IV's come out of my skin.

"You're all done." He announced and smiled at me.

"Thanks." I got my bag, went into the bathroom, and changed back into my white cotton dress I was wearing before the accident.

I ran a brush through my hair and decided I looked the smallest bit presentable. Then walked outside.

"Okay so you guys ready to go?" I raised an eyebrow. They were all sitting around twiddling there thumbs.

"Yeah lets go." James stood first, and walked out with the rest of us.

"So how did you guys get here? Your magic carpet?" I asked and they all shared the same smile.

"No, we took the company car." Logan shared . My mouth opened.

"You guys have a company car?"

_Sweet !_

"No. _We_ have a company car." Carlos stated. We walked outside the automatic sliding doors of the hospital and they lead me to the black Toyota Camry.

"I can't drive yet, but thanks." I was elated.

"Neither can we." said James.

"I thought this is how you guys got here?" I asked them puzzled.

"We did, the company's rules is that only Logan can drive it." Kendall enlightened.

"Ohhhhh ." I nodded.

"I call shot gun !" James ran to the front of the car. Carlos got in on the back on one side, and Kendall opened the door for me. I smiled at him and got in.

"Chivalry isn't dead I see." I stated as I got in. With Kendall on my left, and Carlos on my right, I felt safe.

"Not with Kendall at least. That's how he got Jo." James said.

"Jo?" I questioned.

_Please don't be a girlfriend, please don't be a girlfriend. _

"My girlfriend." He said with a sly smile.

_Fuck. _

"Yeah Kendall and Jo are the longest couple at the Palm Woods." Carlos told me.

"Palm Woods?" I was lost again. "Is that where you all stay?"

"Yeah. It's amazing." Logan shared with us from the drivers seat.

"Well that's my hotel." I pointed out the window. "If you could drop me off that would be great." I faked a smile. I was all to good at that.

Logan pulled into the loop and one of the valet's opened Carlos' door. He got out and let me out.

"Don't forget. We have dance rehearsal tomorrow at 8 am." Logan shouted.

"Cool." I bent down into James' window so I could talk to him. "Where do I go?"

"We'll pick you up at 7:30. Sound good guys?" He asked . They all nodded in agreement.

"So it's settled." James smiled. "The tour starts next week. So you have to pick up on the choreography quickly."

"I'm a quick learner." I assured. With that statement,I waved goodbye, and walked upstairs to my room.

"Girlfriend?" I reiterated and slammed a pillow on my face.

**-x-x-x-x-**

7:30 the next morning I was downstairs in a purple _Victoria's Secret Pink _track suit, a matching jacket, and a gray sports bra underneath.

I recognized the black Toyota as soon as it pulled up. The seating arrangement was the same, except there was a lot of dance equipment in the car.

"We had to bring a couple of things." James explained as he rolled down the window. He had dance mats and a boom box on his lap.

"You'll have to sit on somebody's lap." Logan said. I instantly froze up.

_Don't say it. Please don't say it. _

"Sit on Kendall's. He has the most room."

I smiled yet another broken smile and got walked around and sat on Kendall's lap.

"I'm not going to get you into trouble am I ?" I asked Kendall. He didn't seem to mind. But then again, I could never tell.

"Probably not." He sounded sure of himself. I nodded to that as something from the pile between Kendall and Carlos poked me in the side.

"Everybody got there seat belts on?" Logan asked before he started driving again.

"No." I said laughing. "Although I don't think I'll be going anywhere."

"Good enough. We're not too far from the studio. Ten minutes tops." He reassured me. I leaned back against Kendall.

"This doesn't bother you does it?" I whispered into his ear.

"Not at all" He whispered back.

Logan pulled a sharp turn and send me into the side door and hit my head on the window.

"Sorry !" He yelled.

"Ow !" I reached for my head, a small cut. "Great" I muttered. "Hey Logan don't you think my head has been through enough these past few days?"

"Sorry! I couldn't hit the squirrel !"

I shook my head and Kendall pulled me back into my original position.

"You smell nice." He whispered into my ear. I smiled.

**-x-x-x-x-**

"There are my boys !" The dance coach bellowed from across the studio. I walked into a hard-wood floor studio with mirrors all around.

"You must be the fresh meat Gustavo told me about." She walked up to me. She was probably my height, maybe an inch shorter. Pale-skinned, and had long cocoa brown curls.

I held out my hand to her . "I'm Kate." She hugged me instead and all I could smell was her shampoo.

"I'm Lucy-Ann. You will be sweating the next few days are you ready?"

"Bring it on !" I laughed.

**-x-x-x-x- **

Two hours later I had discarded my purple jacket and was only in a sports bra and sweat pants. Nobody complained, so I took that as a good sign.

Then, Lucy-Ann's phone rang and I took it as a water break. I dabbed a towel against my forehead and drank some water.

Then I heard her call my name. I jogged over to her where Kendall was already standing next to her.

"I'm going to have to go for an hour or so." She told us, flipping her curls out of her face. "Kendall, you and the boys look great. I would like you to show the other routine to Kate and have her know it before I get back."

He nodded. "Anything for you Lucy-Lu."

"Don't call me that." She smiled and playfully pushed Kendall. They shared a laugh I couldn't jump in on.

As she walked across the studio she told the guys what was happening. They all agreed to go get some breakfast and bring us back some. Leaving Kendall and I alone in the studio.

_Great._

"We should really stop meeting like this, Mr. Knight." I smiled as we moved to the center of the room.

"I agree." He shared my smile. "This is the routine for the closing song. It involved me lifting you. Are you okay with that?"

"I signed up for it didn't I?"

He nodded. "I guess you did."

Over the course of the next hour or so Kendall successfully taught me the routine, lifted me about seven times, and sweated. A lot.

At the end of the last run-through I laid on the floor and stared at the ceiling.

I was soon to be joined by Kendall doing the same.

"You're a good teacher." I told him.

"It helps to have a good student."

"Can I ask you a question?" I sat up, and was again mimicked.

"Sure, whats up?"

"Why wouldn't you let Gustavo fire me?" I looked deep into his emerald green eyes as I asked him. When the question was out, he looked at the floor.

"Well–"

"We brought pancakes!" Carlos yelled as the studio door opened. I looked at Kendall and then got up and jogged over. He obviously didn't want to answer that question.

As soon as I took one bite of a pancake, Lucy-Ann walked through the door.

"Play time is over ! Kate, Kendall lets see that routine !" She was clapping and returning to the core of the room. I didn't show it, but I wanted to faint.

Kendall and I gave each other an uneasy glance and followed our choreographer.

"Playback!"

**-x-x-x-x-**

_**One Week Later.**_

Today was the day we go on tour. Oh how I'm dreading going back to Grand Rapids. Hopefully, he had no idea I'm going to be there. One can only hope...

Lucy-Ann didn't go easy on me for the past week, but the hard work paid off. I knew every number forwards, backwards, and in my sleep.

I pulled my plain blue bag with me to the bus and one of the crew took it and put it in the storage compartment on the side of the bus.

I walked over to the boys, who were saying bye to Gustavo. I said my goodbyes and looked over to see Kendall with a girl.

_Jo._

"Kate!" I heard her shout. I walked over to them, perplexed as to why they would want to talk to me. Things with me and Kendall had gotten back to normal. Friends. The boys and I had all bonded in a different way. I'm not sure what way me and Kendall had bonded. But it was no longer awkward like that last dance on my first day of dance.

"Hey, Jo?"

"Kendall, baby." She looked at him with those puppy dog eyes. God I don't even know her and she makes me sick. "Can you give us some girl time?"

He obliged. Not like I expected any different. She obviously wore the pants in the relationship. They then shared a long, long, _long _kiss goodbye. I averted my eyes and looked at the cement. When Kendall made his way onto the bus I looked over at Jo again.

"Kate? Is it?"

I nodded. "Nice to meet you." I tried to sound perky, but it obviously wasn't working too well.

"Cut the crap." Her voice and expression changed from sweet and innocent, to mean and vindictive. My expression changed to shocked.

"If you try anything, _anything_, with Kendall. I will find you, and kill you." She smiled a psychotic smile. I was officially scared.

"I'm not going to try anything – I can assure you."

"I don't care . Your promises mean nothing to me. If he breaks up with me, you will be sic feet under. I have no problem with shoving a kitchen knife down your throat and stabbing you till you can no longer breathe. You understand?"

I was paralyzed with fear. A fear that was all too familiar with death threats like these. I choked back tears and indicated that I understood.

"Ms. Reid we have to get on the road." The bus driver called. I walked backwards to the bus. Never leaving her eye contact.

_Great. Now I have another person to add onto the list of people who want to kill me. _

**A/N: So what did you think? I there will be more of Kate's past in the next chapter, but now they're officially on the road so you can expect a helluva lot of more drama ! **

**Review please and let me know what you liked, and what you didn't ! **

– **Ketaura**


	3. Show Time

**A/N: Thank you to everybody who reviewed ! I hope you all love Kate as much as I do . **

**Disclaimer:I don't own Big Time Rush. I only own the writing and the ideas from my head. **

**Chapter Three: Show Time**

Tee-minus 10 hours until we get to Grand Rapids. It was a much shorter trip then I initially thought it would be .

Then again, time flies by when your writing your will.

**-x-x-x-x-**

No, I'm serious. I was writing my will. With multiple people out to kill me, I better get started . Although, writing a will is hard when you have no one to give your stuff too. I stared at a the notepad for a couple of minutes, and then, put it on the window ledge.

_You're not going to die. _

I glanced over at the clock, it read 7:42 am . I haven't seen the guys in about 7 hours. They're probably awake now, I smelt coffee brewing and microwave's dinging with breakfast bowls inside. The bus layout was quite remarkable. There as soon as you walked on there was a sitting/eating area, and a huge TV. As you walk down there is a small kitchen area, four bunks, each claimed by one of the boys, and a bathroom area. If you feel gutsy and walk to the end of the bus there is a small bed that has a sheet protecting it from the outside world. The boys all mutually agreed that I should have the small twin bed because I was the only girl, and I needed my privacy.

How sweet.

I walked out of the confinement into the the kitchen-area. A skin tight tank top with sponge-bobs face was on my body, but comfortable; and I wore some brown sleep-wear shorts. I grabbed some orange juice and sat next to Logan at the table.

"So why did we stop?" I pondered aloud as I took a sip of my beverage.

"We're filling up with gas." He replied and took a bite out of some toast.

"Aren't we about 3 band members short?" I asked as a found a newspaper on the table and opened it.

"They're in the gas station picking up some crap junk food for breakfast."

I sprang up. "Without me?" I almost ran out the door before Logan called me back.

"Kate! Aren't you forgetting something?" He motioned towards my outfit.

I looked down at my tank top and shorts. "Oh ! Yeah you're so right." I ran back to my suit case and put on some slippers. "Thanks I could've gotten some glass in my foot."

He shook his head as I ran into the Texaco station and quickly spotted the guys in the candy aisle. I jogged over to them and saw them in their PJ's as well, oh and a boat load of candy.

"What are you guys doing?" I questioned as my eyes darted from bags of powdered donuts to boxes of Jolly Ranchers.

"Nothing..." They all said in unison. Then their eyes were looking at each other and then back at me.

"Well, you guys should know that you can't have all that junk."

"Why not?" Carlos whined.

"Because. You got no pretzel M&M's !" I laughed and picked up a bag. Their smiles widened and we all went to the check out and piled all our crap on the counter.

"Will that be all?" The sarcastic man behind the counter asked. We all looked at each other and nodded.

The cashier rang up our order rather quickly. We put it on the company card, and was on our way back to the bus. James climbed on first, then Carlos, then myself, and lastly Kendall. I regretted wearing such short shorts for a split second. Then, was proud I didn't.

**-x-x-x-x-**

Two hours later somewhere between Nebraska and Iowa almost all the junk food we purchased at the Texaco station was gone. I put the rest away for later.

"Hey Kate." I heard James call. I turned around and saw him walking over. None of us had gotten changed out of our pajamas yet, and James was no exception.

"Whats up?" I looked down at the papers in his hand.

"Gustavo faxed over your parts for the songs." He handed me the papers and I looked at the parts.

"Sweet. You want to work on them with me?" I looked up at him. Damn he was tall.

Kendall's head shot up from his respective bunk.

"Why me?" He looked at me suspiciously.

"You have a great voice, duh." I rolled my eyes at him.

"Oh" A smile grew on his face.

"C'mon" I lead him to the back of the bus and sat cross-legged on my bed. I saw Kendall look ever as James shut the curtain and he sat next to me.

"Okay so for _Worldwide_, what does he have me doing?" I looked down the list of songs I had to learn. Only three, not that bad.

"Well for Worldwide you sing with me for the chorus. You want to try that ?" He pointed at the first chorus. I nodded, and sung the chorus with him. My voice and his meshed really well, that is until I hit a sour note.

I put a pillow over my face. "I'm sorry."

"Hey, it's fine. Just lets try it again."

So we took it again, again, and again. With the same outcome.

"James, I can't hit that note." I sighed to myself.

"No, you can you're just not warmed up. I'll go get us both a bottle of water." I smiled and continued rehearsing. James was really sweet. But I could never see myself with an attraction towards him like I did towards Kendall. Even though the connection with Kendall is pretty much dead, and if it goes any higher then what it is right now, I'll be dead.

At that second, James came in with two bottles of room temperature water. "It's the best for you voice." He said as he sat back down. His eye caught on something. "What's this?" He pulled my journal off of the window ledge with the word _Will _written in big, dark letters.

_Crap._

"It's nothing, just, me doodling." I took the note-pad and flipped it shut.

"Kate, don't lie to me. Are you planning on going somewhere?" He looked intensely into my eyes.

"If I tell you, you have to promise, _promise, _cross your heart promise to never, ever, ever tell anybody especially Kendall ." This time it was me who was looking into his hazel eyes intensely. He quickly agreed. Somehow, I felt like I could trust him.

_Don't tell him about home. Just tell him about Jo. You don't have a home anymore. You don't need to worry about him anymore._

"Well, when Jo wanted to talk to me before we left Los Angeles , she said that if I try anything with Kendall, she'll find me and kill me." I was looking down, playing with my own fingers.

"Jo would never say that Kate are you sure you didn't just dream it all?"

"She also said that my promises don't mean anything to her and that she will shove a kitchen knife down my throat and stab me 'til I can't breathe ." I glared at him for not believing me.

"Are you serious?" He looked disgusted at the idea.

_He better be disgusted at the idea of me being stabbed to death. _

"No, I'm joking. Of course I'm serious !" I shouted. Then I brought myself back.

_Breathe, Kate, breathe. _

_In...one...two...three..._

_Out...one...two...three..._

"I'm sorry." I gazed up at James. I was borderline tears, and he saw that. He pulled me in and hugged me. Then I did something that was very un-Kate-like.

I lost it.

I cried until I couldn't cry anymore. And James just held me.

He was the best friend, I never had.

**-x-x-x-x-**

Twelve hours later I was sitting in a chair with four people tugging at me. My hair was being done, as was both sets of nails, and there was a eye liner pencil in my face. It took a lot of strength for me not to freak out. Once they were done I got dressed into my opening number, and had my headset fixed on my head I was good to go.

"Ten minutes until show time Ms. Reid." A guy stepped in and looked _ever-so-official_ with his backstage pass and walkie talkie set.

I nodded and walked out to the boys dressing room and knocked on the door, but without waiting for a response I walked in.

"I sure hope everybody is decent." I giggled as I walked in. The guys were all getting their finishing touched put on, but that didn't stop them on smiling at my arrival.

"Hey Kate." Logan and Carlos said in unison as they walked over to me. I hugged them both.

"Why you two look fabulous" I said in a New-York accent. "Are those two still putting on their faces?"

Carlos nodded. "They take longer because they don't look as good as us."

I laughed at them. I went over to James and sat on his counter where the make-up was . "So Mr. Diamond are you pumped for the first show?"

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Kendall looking over in the general area. I didn't want to get stabbed to death, so I stayed away from him.

"You know it." He smiled. When his make up girl was done I got off of the counter and walked to the core of the room, where the Logan and Carlos were. Eventually Kendall walked over to me.

"Kate can I talk to you?" he said quite softly. I looked up at him. Damn another tall person. I granted his wish and walked over to the corner of the room with him.

"I feel like your avoiding me." Kendall pointed out.

I shook my head.

_You don't know the half of it. _

"I'm not avoiding you, Kendall. We're friends okay?" I tried to walk away but Kendall pulled me back.

"No, Kate we're not friends. We don't even talk anymore. We're going to be stuck with each other for three months so why don't you tell me what your problem is?"

I glared at him.

"Oh, and why are you being all buddy buddy with James? Do you like him or something?" He continued. He was on a roll.

"No I don't like James!" I said a little too loud. The everybody in the room turned around and stared. But I didn't care, I never do.

"Why do you even care what I do? You have a girl friend. James and I are friends. So get that through your head !" I stormed off, only to be pulled back again.

"I'm not done talking to you !"

I pulled my arm away from him. "To bad ! Because I am. Touch me again and you'll regret it."

I scolded him and ran out of the room, only to have James follow me into my dressing room.

"Is he always this aggressive?" I inquired. I leaned against the wall and calmed myself down.

_In...one...two...three..._

_Out...one...two...three_

"Only with things he's really passionate about."

I fixed my eyes on him for a steady glance. "What do you mean?" I uttered out.

"I mean he's upset you came to me to sing with you, to talk to you, to hang out with. He wants it to be him." James explained and ran a hand through his freshly blow-dried hair.

"Well he shouldn't he has a girlfriend. One that will _kill_ me. Remember that?"

"I know !" James sounded just as frustrated as I did. I decided to lay off of him .

"Five minutes until show Ms. Reid, Mr. Diamond." The same official looking guy came in. We both nodded towards him.

"So what do you propose we do here?" I asked.

"Well, do you like Kendall?"

My face turned bright red. "No. Of course not. Liking him could get me killed." I lied through my teeth.

And James could _see_ it.

"Bullshit." He called as he smiled at me. "You like Kendall."

"Look, we have bigger things to deal with right now."

"Like what?" He crossed his arms in front of him looking so debonair .

"Like we have a show to put on? C'mon James" I pulled him out of my dressing room as the band and dancers all gathered to put their hands in the circle. I stood next to James, and directly in front of Kendall. Before I put my hand in I looked at Kendall, his eyes were filled with sorrow. So I did another thing that was very un-Kate-like. I put my hand on top of his and squeezed it, to say I forgave him.

His eyes lit up and my smile grew wide.

"_Big Time Rush!" _the cast and crew yelled. The instrumental to Big Night played as we all got into our places under the stage.

"_Show Time !" _

**-x-x-x-x-**

Halfway through the show, my adrenaline was pumping. The crowd was amazing, and extremely receptive of me. I ran out and touched a bunch of fans from my home town and ran back to the center stage and did the choreography Lucy-Ann taught me, and sang like an angel; all thanks to James. Kendall successfully lifted me in the number, and I couldn't believe where I was. My life was finally something out of a picture.

But then, as normal, nothing can stay good for too long.

I saw him.

In the crowd.

Front row. Not clapping, or cheering as the many other screaming fan girls were. Just standing there. Looking dead at me. I stopped – mid choreography.

His dark eyes. Piercing me. I, I couldn't get away.

Kendall bumped into me due to my sudden stop of dancing. He moved the mic away from his mouth. "Kate? What's wrong?"

But he wouldn't let me look anywhere but his gaze.

The end of the song was signaled by the music fading into the background.

I ran offstage as fast as my legs could carry me.

_-_**x-x-x-x-**

I found a corner, not to far from the main stage and stuck myself in it. I pressed my knees to my chest and rocked myself back and forth.

Kendall was calling my name. I couldn't muster up the strength to answer. I just sat there and sobbed.

Eventually he picks up my weeping noises and pushes aside the cart I was hiding behind.

"Kate, what wrong are you okay?" He asked frantically, moving some hair that got stuck to my face in my salty tears.

_I'm peachy. How about you?_

"No I'm not okay ! He's here. He, he, he's here. He's gonna hurt me again! Kendall please don't let him get me !" I yelled and threw myself into his warm embrace.

Kendall took a deep breath and put his hand in my hair and shushed me to calm down. I wrapped my arms around him and never wanted to let go.

"Don't let him get me." I whispered. "Please."

"I wont I promise." he whispered back.

_There is no more hiding..._

"He's my cousin." I whispered.

"What?" Kendall looked down at me.

"Seth...my cousin. He's here. He's after me. He's going to do it again..." I trailed off reliving the pain. The blood. The hurt.

"He's not going to do anything to you. Not with me here." Kendall reassured.

"No he's going to hurt you too I-I gotta get out of here." I broke Kendall's grip and ran down a corridor.

Kendall followed.

"Kendall stay away !" I screamed but he didn't listen.

Then. Seth grabbed me.

And I blacked out.

_Great Security at this place. _

**A/N: Well what do you guys think? I think you got to see a lot more of Kate's past and personal life in this chapter. **

**Review and tell me what you thought ! (: **

– **Ketaura**


	4. My Inner and Outer Demons

**A/N: Thank you guys for reading and I hope you're enjoying Kate's story. Feel free to message me at any point. This was not nearly as violent or sexual until Kara made me change it. **

**Seth's name came from mythology, Seth is the ancient evil God of Chaos, storms, and desert. So keep that in mind while reading this chapter (:**

_**WARNING: INTENSE VIOLENCE CURSING, & SEXUAL SITUATIONS.**_

**Disclaimer:I don't own Big Time Rush. I only own the writing and the ideas from my head. **

**Chapter Four: My Inner and Outer Demons.**

I woke up in a creepy dark room, on a creepy cold floor, with a creepy ceiling leak. Yeah this room was creepy.

I looked up at you standing over me. Fear grew in my eyes, then I realized, I no clothes on.

**-x-x-x-x-**

"Seth, what did you do to me?" I demanded, quickly using my arms to cover up all the important parts.

"Nothing, yet. It's amazing what a little chloroform on a rag can do for a person. People just can't handle it, and pass out completely." He smirked at me. The lighting in this place sucked, so I could only make out his outline. Bright side? I didn't have his evil eyes looking into mine. Although I could still feel their presence on my naked skin.

"Did you honestly think you could get away from me?" Seth laughed as he walked circles around me.

I sat there, silent.

"You joined a boy band? What did you think that would do for yourself. Up your self-esteem? Make you feel important?"

One thing I hated about Seth, is that he could read me like a book. He's five years older then I am, and was at my birth. I always thought that he's been demented since birth, but he had reminded me on multiple occasions. When my mother had let him hold me, he tried to drop me. It wasn't until I was born he turned looney. He blames me, when all I did was be born.

"Please, Seth" I begged. "Let me go, we're not kids anymore. I'll drop out of the tour, I-I'll"

I was cut off my a bucket of water being thrown on my face and body.

I coughed as some water got in my air way.

"No, Seth please don't !" I pleaded with my captor. Water meant one thing. The whip.

Not just any whip. The riding whip. You know the ones that jockeys use in horse races to scare the horses into running faster? That was his weapon of choice.

"You've been bad, Kate. You know an bitch should never leave it's master. Now you need to be taught."

I couldn't see where he was, the light still wasn't in my favor.

Then I felt a sudden burning sensation on my thigh. I screamed in pain and touched the site of the wound. It was already welting up.

But before I could plead, another crack of the whip hit me on the small of my back, then my stomach, and my legs were next. The flesh, red and angry. The water always made things hurt worse, Seth knew that.

I screamed out in agony. Every spot of my body was being battered.

"You are worthless ! What kind of a whore do you think you are?" He yelled as he beat me.

"I-I'm not a whore !" I shouted back at him. That caught his attention. I never, _ever, _argued with Seth when he was beating me. I just took it, and hoped I lived. It took him by surprise, and stopped for a mid-second. I took that as breathing time.

"You're not?" Seth questioned as he drifted over me.

"N-No."

He took a handful of my damp wavy blonde hair and lifted my head to his. I made a squealing noise and he enjoyed it. Sick bastard.

All of a sudden, a felt a fist rip through the walls of my most sensitive organ. My sex organ.

I yelped in pain. I felt him scratch the walls and fist me. Tears streamed down my face like razors. I begged him to stop but he wouldn't, he never did.

"I see somebody hasn't had sex since the last time we met." Seth smirked as he dropped me back onto the floor. I scrambled trying to get as far as him as possible, but he grabbed my legs and pulled me back.

"That dry spell wont last much longer." He chuckled to himself. I quivered, at the sight of him. He was standing by a lamp, so I saw him. His body, not an ounce of clothing on him.

_He's going to rape me again. _

He pressed on one of the welts on my inner thigh, then be pressed on another. I couldn't scream any louder. I couldn't beg for him to stop any more frequently, and I defiantly couldn't cry anymore then I had in the past twenty-four hours.

Seth grabbed my hair and pulled me onto my bloody knees. I was face to his sex organ.

"Suck."

I bit.

He screamed.

I was thrown against the wall.

I pretended I was unconscious, and watched as he tended to his wound. All of a sudden, a burst of light came into the room and illuminated it. I heard two deep voices, one calling my name. The other cursing out Seth.

I dark figure appeared in my view.

"_Kate? Shit." _

The voice belonged to James. He took off his shirt and helped me put it on. He picked me up and I clung onto him. I wrapped my arms around his neck, and my legs around his waist. James' shirt was big enough to cover up everything, and I remember looking at his muscles as I rested my head on his shoulder. Once we got out of the creepy room I saw who the second voice belonged too.

Kendall.

He stroked my hair, and I fell asleep in James' arms.

**-x-x-x-x-**

My eyes cracked open, at first, afraid of what I would see. However, I was pleased on what I did see.

I was tucked in my bed, on a moving tour bus. I gazed over at the clock that read 8:12 am.

_I've been asleep for 5 hours? _

Of course, I didn't know when I was rescued by James, but I assumed it was some time in the middle of the night.

_James._

I remembered his muscles around me protecting me. I felt, so safe. Then Kendall. Kendall had been the one that kept Seth away when James grabbed me.

I smelt James' cologne on the shirt I was wearing and instantly pulled a piece of plastic to my nostril and took a deep breathe. It reminded me that I was safe with him.

My mind told me that I could like James without getting killed, which was a sure bonus. But my heart new I couldn't like him the same way I liked Kendall.

I arose from the bed slowly and looked at the welts all over my body. Some Neosporin and they should all clear up.

I stood up and put on some boy shorts, the only article of clothing that wouldn't aggravate the welts, and slowly walked out from behind the protection of my sheet.

I clutched James' shirt close to me as I walked up to the table where the boys all sat, eating breakfast. I sat at the opposite table. They all looked over at me and Carlos sprung up.

"Kate do you want something to eat?" He asked in the kindest way. Carlos was defiantly a sweetheart.

"Maybe just a bowl of Cheerios?" I asked politely. My eyes danced from Carlos, to Logan, to James, and then finally to Kendall. They all looked concerned. Once Carlos came back with my cereal I thanked him and asked the first question.

"How did you guys find me." I questioned as I took a spoonful of Cheerios into my mouth.

They all looked at Logan.

"Your headset, had a low jack on it. We tracked it." He nodded. This looked uncomfortable for all of them, but shouldn't it be me whose uncomfortable here?

"How did you get me out?" I asked, almost half-heartedly. I've been through this so many times, it felt like I was asking myself the same questions.

They all looked at Logan again. It was obvious he was the brains behind this operation.

"Once we found you, we let Carlos drive the car, and decided Kendall and James were the strongest to get you out." Logan took an uneasy sip of his milk. My eyes went directly to James and Kendall.

"Why did you come in and save me?"

That one was hard for me to say. I could feel tears welling up, but I wouldn't let them come out. I choked them back and waited for a response.

"You're apart of us." Kendall managed to say.

"I've been apart of you for ten days. Two weeks ago you wouldn't of done it." My voice was so harsh, it almost hurt me saying it.

"How do you know we wouldn't have?" This time it was James talking. He sounded almost hurt I would assume something so awful . But it wasn't make-believe. It was reality.

"Because nobody has. Nobody ever has cared about me like the four of you." Now I fixed my gaze on all of them, instead of just James and Kendall.

"You all have done some crazy things for a girl you just met, a girl with nothing in life. Why?"

"You aren't nothing." Carlos piped up. "You're an amazing singer."

"And dancer." Logan chimed.

"And Person." James continued. "When Kendall told us, we canceled the rest of our concert to find you."

"We couldn't let you be hurt that way. We had to help you." Kendall interrupted.

"Kendall, I ran from you to keep you safe. I didn't want you to be thrown into my world." I shook my head and looked into his eyes. I couldn't let him get hurt, and I couldn't let him like me. It would just end up in more pain for me. But then again, what's rain when you're already wet?

Kendall got up from the booth and wrapped his arms around me. I was instantly suffocated by his white wife-beater shirt, but I didn't mind. "Do you remember what I promised you? Right before you ran off?"

I hesitated. Remembering the moment I was at one of my weakest in-front of Kendall was terrifying to me. Then I remembered that James saw me bleeding, quivering and crying against a wall I was recently thrown against, naked; yeah, that topped the list.

I slowly nodded in response.

"What was it Kate?" He asked in a slow calm voice.

"You promised you wouldn't let him get me..."

You could cut the tension with a knife. Every eye was locked on Kendall and I, most with compassion, others with envy. I glanced over at James. He seemed like he wasn't happy with Kendall's arms around me.

"I broke that promise the second he laid a hand on you." Kendall tilted my head up.

"I couldn't let him get away. Carlos and I rand and tried to get security on him, but they took too long. That's when we took it upon ourselves to get you back."

It took all the will power in the world not to kiss him there. Being in his grasp, having his hand on my face, looking up at him. The factors were all against my willpower.

_He had to be feeling the same. You don't just say that to a person, hold them like this, and want to be best friends with that person. _

I took a deep breathe.

_He probably did this with Jo._

I brought myself back from that alternate reality. The one where me and Kendall could end up together? Farthest thing from the real reality. I pushed myself away from Kendall and sat up against the back of the chair. James' voice came into play.

"You're my best friend, Kate."

I looked over at James . His face was pale. His eyes were welling up with tears.

"I couldn't loose that." He finished.

I immediately climbed over Kendall, giving him the perfect view of all the welts on my legs. I winced in pain, but I made it over and sat on James' lap.

"You didn't loose me, I'm right here." I wrapped my arms around James in the same fashion I did last night. The only difference, I was the one saving him this time .

He sniffled, and rubbed my back. Making sure to be extra careful of my welts. I pulled away and kissed James' cheek, and wiped one tear that had escaped his grasp.

"It takes a lot to make James cry." Logan piped up. "You gust must have a helluva friendship."

I smiled at Logan, then back at James. "We do."

I then got off of James' lap and sat back at the other booth, across from Kendall.

I sighed. "I guess I owe you guys an explanation."

**A/N: I did not plan on making the end as sugar sweet as it really was ! It went from extremely verbal and abusive to sweet and warm-hearted. I'm not sure how I feel about that...**

**Review and tell me how you feel about it !**

– **Ketaura**


	5. The Confessional Dare

**A/N: I know I normally update a lot faster then this, but this chapter has been harder for me to write then I thought ! Also, I've been out with my family a lot recently. But hopefully updates will resume to normal. **

**_WARNING: INTENSE VIOLENCE & SEXUAL SITUATIONS._ **

**Disclaimer:I don't own Big Time Rush. I only own the writing and the ideas from my head. **

**Chapter Five: The Confessional Dare**

So this is the part where I open up, and tell the guys everything that has been haunting me my entire sixteen years of living. They deserve it, they've saved my butt from Seth, and they care about me.

I only wish I could tell them everything, I will tell them some secrets. But others I intend to take to the grave.

**-x-x-x-x-**

"I was six." I started. Swallowing any remorse about telling my story. Well, parts of my story. "My mom took me from England, my friends, my primary school. My father. She said he was a bad man, and refused to tell me the rest. So we moved to Michigan with my Aunt Sara and cousin, Seth ."

My eyes turned to the boys, they all seemed equally interested in what I had to say. I dove deeper into my past, filtering out what couldn't be said.

"I found a passion for singing at my new elementary school, you Americans call it." My voice quickly slipped back into my English accent, a voice that was all too familiar, yet so far away.

"I never sung before then, but everybody told me my songs would just bring pain to others and myself. I could never sing because I would never be anybody important. My mother asked me to stop singing around the house because it reminded her of my father. I never sung again, that is until I auditioned for Big Time Rush."

Shock was in their faces. I felt like I could hear their thoughts.

_How could she sing like that after not singing for ten years?_

Those questions would be answered later.

"Growing up was tough, I had Seth in the room next to mine. Whenever our mothers went out, he would come over and beat me. Always with something different. It was fun to him, to watch me squirm. The beatings started shortly after we moved to America. But every beating, he out did himself."

**-x-x-x-x-**

"_Seth, please stop !" I begged. I was back in my eleven-year-old body. I remembered the smell of lavender burning, it filled my nostrils like I was there again. Five years ago. _

_His sixteen-year-old body stood over mine. His sandy brown hair sweated to his skin, his navy blue tee stuck to his chest from perspiration. He was holding a three-wick candle over my body. _

_It was shortly after nine in the morning. Our mothers went to a Saturday morning breakfast diner. Seth had woken me up by dragging me out of my bed onto the white tile floor. _

_My pajamas weren't covering much, just a tank top and some shorts, but they did the deed. _

"_We're going to play a new game." He announced. He had that sick grin on his face, the one that never left his face when he was standing over me. It made him feel, dominant over me. And that he was. _

"_Another one?" I quivered on the cold white floor. He set the burning candle down on my dresser and shut the bedroom door._

"_Stand up." He demanded. I was confused. He never asked me to stand up during my beatings, just to lay there and take it. "Now!" Seth yelled. I scrambled to my feet. _

_He pushed me against the wall, and pressed his body against mine. His tall frame still towered over me by about three inches. Seth grabbed my hips and started to feel up my body. _

"_W-what are you doing?" I stuttered. His hand immediately smacked down on my thigh. "No questions!" _

_He'd never done this before, he started to tug at my tank top. "Take it off." He ordered. I obliged. _

_He grabbed my breasts and squeezed them. The pain was unbearable. and I pleaded with him to stop. "Seth, stop it, stop this !"_

_Seth pressed his nails into the flesh of my chest. A scream formed on my mouth, but I was unable to let it out, the pain to horrible to let out anything else. He then threw me on the floor again, and grabbed the three-wick candle. _

_'What are you going to do with that candle?" I scrawled to cover up my breasts. _

_He didn't answer me, he only poured the hot wax onto my body. _

_My screams permeated the foul air as the searing hot wax pooled across my torso and dripped onto my shorts. Nobody came to my rescue, nobody ever did. _

"_If you don't want that to happen. You will do as I say." I nodded, wiping away the tears of my pain, these tears visited me to often. _

_Seth took off his tee shirt. "Pull down my pants." He ordered. I scrambled to knees and winced in pain from the wax. I pulled down his plaid pajama pants and saw his tool. _

_I'd never seen a boy naked before then. I just looked at it for a second before averting my eyes, it grew longer and harder. He looked down at me and took a fist full of my hair and pulled me closer to it. _

"_Lick it." _

_I obliged, yet again. The taste and texture filled my mouth as I licked it slowly. I almost gagged then and there. It was the most disguising thing I had ever tasted in my eleven years of living, even worse than spinach. _

_Lucky me he didn't make me do that very long before pushing me on the ground again. He then took off my shorts and began to run two fingers over the material of my pink panties. _

_"Please, Seth, stop." I pleaded with him. It only enraged him more. _

"_Do you want the candle again!" He shouted. I shook my head no as he ripped off my panties and pulled out a foil square. I was puzzled by what it was. Seth looked at me and said "Don't want to be getting your slutty ass pregnant." _

_He rolled that item over his now fully erect tool. He climbed over me and told me to just stay quiet, to thank him, and to tell him he was amazing. _

_Then, he pressed into me. Hard. _

_I felt my hymen rip and cried out in burning pain._

"_Shut the fuck up !" Seth pressed a hand over my mouth. His hand was soon coated with my salty pleas and cries for help._

"_Get...it...out. Please...take...it...out." My words were muffled between my lips and his hands._

_It felt like a knife kept ramming me in the groin, blood from the hymen seeped onto the floor and I was in a pool of my tears and my own blood. This is far worse then any other session we had ever had._

_This, brutality, continued for what felt like hours. But in all reality was only two hours. He beat me when I didn't do it right, and poured hot wax on me when I did. _

_When he finally left I wrapped myself up in my bed sheets and curled in a ball, I never left my bed for the entire weekend. _

_I told my mother, what Seth had done to me. When she realized I wasn't at dinner that night. _

_Her only response was "You probably deserved it."_

**-x-x-x-x-**

I looked up from my lap, before I realized that everything I had just relived, I stated out loud.

Three sets of eyes were welling up with tears, the other set belonged to Carlos, who came over and wrapped his arms around my quivering body. I leaned into him and he hugged me tighter and rested his head on mine.

I didn't cry, I didn't even feel the urge to cry like my band-mates around me. Despite the quivers, which came every time I told this story in therapy or writing in my journal, I felt fine. I've relived this story so many times in my head, It's grown impersonal. However, it felt nice having Carlos' strong arms wrapped around me, it proved that not all men are evil; unlike the ones in my life.

Eventually, the others joined in on the hug. Again, I wasn't crying. But the comfort felt nice, so I let them do it. I turned my head on Carlos' chest and saw all three wipe away tears as they sat back down.

"I really don't need any pity." I said as I sat up. "But thank you, Carlos." I grazed my hand on the side of his face and kissed his cheek. Carlos was defiantly the most sensitive of us all on this bus, even though he never seems it.

"I can't believe I only cursed at him." Kendall piped up. "I wish I would've punched him in the face."

"Yeah, Same here." James agreed. They both seemed pretty distraught over the whole thing.

"Let's just, play a game." I suggested and smiled.

"Like what? _Truth or Dare_?" Carlos' idea was greeted by a smack on the chest by Logan.

"You really think Kate wants to play Truth or Dare. Truth?" He argued. I nodded at him .

"I really don't want to play Truth or Dare."

Carlos' face saddened.

"I want to play _Dare_ !" I announced.

Carlos' face perked back up by my announcement. Sounded like fun, I would get to see the boys do some pretty embarrassing stuff.

"And if we don't want to do the dare?" James questioned as he ran a hand through his sleek-brown hair.

"You..." I pondered that thought for a second "–have to take off an article of clothing. A pair of socks, a tank top, a hat."

Everybody nodded at that idea. "Okay" I used my best cheery voice, because for the first time in years, it was genuine. "Everybody write down five to eight dares and put them in a hat." I ran to the back of the room and grabbed a hat from Kendall's bunk.

_This is going to be fun._

**-x-x-x-x-**

Five minutes later we were all dispensing pieces of folded and torn paper into one of Kendall's hats. I took the hat from him and shook it up.

"Who wants to go first?" I asked and Logan was the first to man-up and stick his hand in the fire pit, _ahem_, hat.

"Rub noses with the person to the right of you." Logan says as he looks at Carlos in the most disgusted face ever known. Everybody in the room burst into laughter except for Carlos and Logan.

"C'mon it's the first dare you have to do it." James laughed, trying to catch his breath.

It took a a few minutes of encouraging, but eventually the boys rubbed noses and everybody, including themselves, laughed until they were in tears.

"Okay-Okay." I gasped for air. "Who is next?"

"I'll go." Carlos volunteered and pulled out a folded piece of lined paper.

"Put a blindfold on, and put lipstick, eyeshadow, and blush on the person eleven spaces away." Carlos looked confused. "What the hell does that mean?" He bellowed.

"I wrote that." I confessed. "Go around the circle and count eleven times."

I counted with Carlos, the lucky guy was none other then mister Kendall Knight.

"Ooooh !" We all exclaimed.

"I have the materials !" I said as I ran to the bathroom and picked up a tube of red lipstick, pink blush, and lavender eye shadow. I then grabbed a cotton scarf from my suit case and ran back.

I pulled Carlos up off of the seat and tied my scarf over his eyes. "Smells like vanilla." He laughed.

"Can you see?" I inquired. He shook his head no and I put the lipstick in his hand "It's open, just find Kendall and give him a make over!" I stood behind Kendall and held his shoulders so he couldn't move, a position I wouldn't mind often. His shoulders were broad.

Fifteen minutes and one makeover later, Kendall looked like a bad drag queen. His lipstick ranged from his mouth to the bottom of his jaw, his eyeshadow dragged on from his eye-lids to his eyebrows, and his blush took up almost every other inch of his face. I grabbed some makeup-remover wipes and handed them to Kendall.

"You might need these." I giggled and sat back down. "Okay whose next? James?" I stuck the hat in-front of him and he pulled out a fairly big piece of paper.

"Kiss the person to your left for eight to twelve seconds." He read aloud and then looked to his left. The person on his left was me.

"I can't do that. I wouldn't make you do that. That's a really long time." James said as he stood up and started to take off his shirt. I smacked his exposed abs and told him to sit back down.

"What do you mean ? I _wrote _that dare !" I smiled and looked towards the boys. "Who will count?"

"I will." Kendall chimed almost protectively, even though he technically had nobody on this bus to be protective over.

I nodded and then sat on James' lap, looking directly in his hazel eyes, with one leg on each side of him. "You ready?" I asked. He nodded and placed his hands on my waist.

I leaned in and his gracefully accepted my lips to his. What first started to be awkward at the start of Kendall's counting, became needy and passionate. About four seconds in, I lost everyone who was on that bus with me. I felt James take control of the kiss as his tongue came into my mouth and was greeted by my own. I ran my own hands through his brown hair and felt his grip tighten around my waist. I withered under his touch.

"Twelve._ Twelve._ Guys, twelve !" Kendall shouted and brought us both back. I stood back from James and used my thumb to get rid of the excess saliva around my mouth and sat back down in my original seat.

_Damn. _

I heard James clear his throat as Logan was the first to speak. "Damn you two, do you need to get a room?"

We both shook our heads no and looked at each other uneasily. I'm almost positive that the pair of us had no idea what that kiss meant. Was it just a dare? Or was it more?

_Just a dare._ I told myself.

I shot a glance over in Kendall's direction who was still angrily rubbing make-up off of his face.

I cut the tension by pulling a dare out of the hat. "Eat a bug, and swallow. Really you guys?" I laughed and ripped up the dare. "No way, not happening."

"Well then you know what you have to do, Kate." Carlos said shrugging his shoulders. I nodded and stood up and looked down at my ensemble.

Again, I was not wearing much. The boy shorts I put on earlier, and James' tee-shirt. I checked for a bra.

_No bra. Shit. _

I then checked for underwear. I was wearing a thong. Which one of the boys put that on me last night I don't know. But I was grateful at this moment they did.

I pulled down my boy shorts and threw them at Logan who laughed and through them back at me. I pranced around in my black lace thong, which had a pink bow on the front of it, before sitting back down. I earned my fair share of long-stares.

"Whose next?" I said offering up the hat.

**A/N: Well? I know it's been a long time but the beginning of this chapter was extremely hard for me to write. The rest came quite easy for me.**

**What did you think of James and Kate's kiss? Was it just a dare of more then that? Review and let me know !**

**Yes the next few chapters will be up a helluva lot quicker then this one ! **

–**Ketaura**


	6. Broken Lines and Lost Minds

**A/N: Thanks for reading Kate's story you guys ! I'm sure she appreciates it. This section in her story is defiantly a fun one so I'll see you at the bottom. **

**Disclaimer:I don't own Big Time Rush. I only own the writing and the ideas from my head. **

**Chapter Six: Broken Lines and Lost Minds**

I found myself waking up somewhere between Colorado and Utah, most likely Utah. I heard Kendall arguing on the phone with his girlfriend. I put a pillow over my face. She was upset, going off about something that he said to her.

Taylor, I'd like you to stop spying on my life now. Thanks.

**-x-x-x-x-**

Five minutes later I arose from the bed and walked into the kitchen area, James was singing in the shower. The kiss quickly replayed in my mind before I pushed it out the metaphorical door. I needed to take a shower, but I guess it could just wait.

_James is your friend. Nothing more. _

I glanced over at Logan and Carlos who were at the table playing cards, Kendall was arguing with his bitch, _er, _girlfriend.

"No, Jo that's not what I meant !" I heard him yell as I grabbed some orange juice from the mini fridge and sat down next to Logan.

"What's Kendall arguing about?" I inquired as I took a sip of my drink and peered down at their game. Looked like a very high-stake game of _Go Fish._

"Kendall said something about the game last night. She asked what happened and he said that there was dancing and kissing." Logan shrugged as he drew a card from the deck.

"Oh and that he ended up wearing your lipstick. You got any queens?" Carlos added, when Logan shook his head no he cursed and drew another card from the deck.

"Well that was very smart." I said looking over at Logan's hand and held up three fingers to represent what cards Logan had. When he looked over at me I quickly put my hands down.

"Tell me about it." Logan said as he asked for any fives. Carlos shook his head no and motioned towards the deck. I then stuck up three fingers again when Logan wasn't looking.

"Got any three's?" Carlos asks as he smiles towards me.

_My job here is done. _

I got up and patted Logan sympathetically on his back as I winked at Carlos and walked back down the bus.

"Fine then Jo, do what you want. Bye." Kendall snapped and threw his phone under the pillow. He let out a groan of frustration and then noticed me looking at him with caution.

"It's okay." He said, running a hand through his hair. I listened for James in the shower, he was still singing away. I figured I had some time to spare before he came out and sat down next to Kendall on his bunk.

"Girlfriend troubles?" I questioned as I looked over at him.

"Yes!" He groaned some more. "I love Jo, but sometimes she can be so difficult."

_You have no idea._

My mind reeled for a second.

"You love her?"

This was yet another instance of _Kate-should-really-shut-it-now-before-she-gets-into-trouble, _but when have I ever listened to that voice in my head?

_Never._

Shut it.

"Well, yeah, she's my girlfriend." He nodded as he talked, as if he was trying to convince himself more then he was trying to convince me.

"That doesn't mean you _love_ her." I insisted, trying to catch his eyes, but he kept averting my gaze.

Then, he suddenly caught it.

"How do you know if you love somebody, Kate?" He asked looking deep into my pale blue eyes. This time, it was me who looked away.

"I've never loved anything." I muttered as I looked around, anything to fix my gaze on then him.

"You've _never _loved anything?" He asked quite shocked. I shook my head no.

"Your parents?"

"Dad left, Mom was non-existent."

"Your family?"

"My family was Seth and his mom."

"Any pets?"

"Not allowed. Mom said they threw away our money."

"Friends?"

"Didn't have any."

"Boyfriends?"

"If I've never had a friend before what makes you think I have a boyfriend?"

"What about a stuffed animal?"

"Mom said I could choke on their eyes or noses."

Kendall stopped for a second. I figured the interrogation was over, and looked back over at him. His eyes were filled with something I couldn't quite tap into.

_Sympathy? Horror? _Then it hit me.

_Pain._

"But you kissed James..." His words trailed off as did his gaze on mine. I pulled his face back to look at mine.

"To kiss somebody doesn't mean you love them. I would know." I assured him, as I let go of his pretty little face. I suddenly felt bad for forcing him to look at me, like Seth had done many times before.

Guild washed over me, and took all the remaining color from my face.

"I know." He choked up. "It was a dare, but you guys wouldn't stop."

"It was a dare, Kendall, that's it. I swear."

Now if only I could convince myself of that, we'd be in the clear.

"Why does it even bother you so much?" I asked as a sat back, leaning against the wooden wall of the bunk and was followed by Kendall doing the same.

"I don't know." He pulled the curtain shut, for more privacy obviously. He lent into me and whispered to me. "There is something about you, I, I can't figure it out."

I started shaking my head no again, this is bad, really bad. He can't like me, if he liked me, I get killed by the crazy girlfriend.

"No, Kendall you have a girlfriend. A girlfriend that cares about you so much."

_Enough to kill me to keep you._

"Yes, Kate, I know. That's what makes this so hard. I love Jo, but –" I cut him off .

"No buts Kendall. Your taken, I respect that. I don't like you like that. I..." I tripped over my own words. "I think of you like a brother."

I could hear his world shatter around us. It _killed _me to hurt him.

_Oh, and you were also lying through you teeth._

The truth of the matter was, I really liked Kendall. But not enough to get killed over, I didn't like anything or anybody that much. I wanted nothing more then to kiss him right there and to tell him everything would be fine, but it wouldn't . I stopped telling that lie a long time ago.

I felt that I had out-worn my welcome in his bunk, I moved the curtain, and stepped out; only to come face to face with another problem on this bus.

_James Diamond._

Not only James Diamond. A James Diamond that had a towel wrapped around his waste and water fresh on his abs and chest. I gulped as I looked up at him.

_Eyes up there, eyes up there._

"Kate." He said, sounding surprised. "I didn't think you'd be in, Kendall's bunk?" James looked down at Kendall and looked back up at me.

"We were just talking." I assured him.

For the second time, in two days you could cut the tension with a knife.

"I win! Yes!" Carlos yelled as he slapped his cards on the table. We all turned to look at him, then looked back.

"Well now it's my turn to take a shower. Put on some clothes, while I'm in there, will you James?" I asked as I patted his chest and walked past him.

_Best shower body, ever. _

I tossed my cell phone on the counter in the kitchen area and walked into the bathroom.

"This is becoming way to Twilight for me."

**-x-x-x-x- **

I slipped out of my clothes and into the shower. I took a pretty cold shower, trying not to aggravate the welts on my body. They were healing enough not to hurt, but they weren't completely gone. Hopefully, I get cleared before the next show in Los Angeles. We were on our way from the Boston show, which I was not allowed to perform in.

I poured some of the _Garnier Fructis _shampoo in my palm and rubbed it deep into my scalp. I did my best thinking in the shower, and right now, I wasn't sure if I wanted to reflect on what had happened on the bus recently.

My mind quickly relived what happened on Kendall's bunk. I had just lied to his face, and hurt him. What kind of a person was I? I had to apologize.

_Don't forget what happened after you got out of the bunk._

"James." I said under my breath. I rinsed the shampoo out of my hair and kindly revisited the image in my head of him in the white towel.

Quite frankly, I wasn't sure who I liked at this point. But I deemed both of them unsafe for my health, Kendall for obvious reasons. James, because I just wanted him to be a friend, and nothing more.

After I finished washing my hair and body, I stepped out of the shower and put on a bath robe. I heard my cell phone ringing on the other side of the door, I figured it would just go to voice-mail.

I was wrong.

As I dried of and slipped into my bra and panties I heard the guys' conversation.

_You gotta love the thin tour-bus walls. _

"What's that ringing?" Logan asked as he shuffled the deck for a re-match game with Carlos.

"I think it's Kate's cell phone." Carlos chimed as he looked over to where the cell phone was lighting up.

"Well, somebody answer it." Kendall sounded agitated, not that I could blame him. I leaned in closer to the door as I put on my shower-fresh deodorant.

James walked over to the red and white cell phone and looked at the caller ID. "It's Roqcue Records."

"Well answer it !" Logan stated as they all formed a circle around James and the cell phone, James put the call on speaker phone.

"Hello?" He answered.

"James?" Gustavo yelled. "What are you doing answering Kate's phone!"

"She's in the shower." James sounded calm. The guys just looked at each other and looked back at James.

"I was just calling to wish Kate a happy seventeenth birthday. Like I do for everybody's birthday."

"What!" All four boys exclaimed in unison.

_Crap._

I slapped my hand against my forehead. "This is not good." I said to myself and slipped on some jean shorts and a simple blue shirt.

"How can that be possible?" Kendall asked in a flurry. All of them sounded puzzled over the fact that I hadn't even mentioned my birthday. I only wanted to avoid the topic.

"Yes you idiots. It says right here in her file her birthday is August 5th, 1994. Today is August 5th, 2011. Hence it being her seventeenth birthday. Anything else I have to spell out for you guys?"

"No, thanks Gustavo. We'll tell her you wished her a happy birthday." James said as he clicked the end button.

"How could she not tell us that it's her birthday?" Kendall uttered as he walked back and forth.

"I didn't get her anything." Logan's face saddened as he sulked in a chair.

"Maybe she's an undercover agent working for the CIA and she couldn't tell us otherwise we would die, and now that we know she'll have to kill us all !" Carlos bellowed. The rest of them looked at him like he was crazy. "What? It could happen."

"Wait, wait. Before we start jumping to crazy conclusions we should just as Kate why she didn't tell us. Sound fair?" James said acting as the voice of reason.

I ran a brush through my soaking wet blonde hair and walked out. The back of my shirt was wet from my hair and my legs looked bare compared to any other day of the week. All of them glanced over at me like I was a terrorist. I quickly backed up.

"What?" I inquired as I put some black socks onto my feet and walked over and sat down in between Carlos and Logan. James walked over and I quickly noticed he had gotten dressed since the last time I saw him. He was now dressed in dangerously tight blue-gray jeans, with a nice black belt, and another tight article of clothing. A dark blue tee-shirt.

James sat in-front of me and I looked down, I already knew what this was about. All of my band-mates surrounded me; all except for Kendall. Kendall was off to the side in the kitchen area looking at me. I couldn't blame him. I wouldn't want to me around me either. A lying, secret keeping, self-centered, sneaky; well, you get the point.

"Kate we know it's your birthday." James started.

"Happy Birthday by the way." Logan interrupted. I looked over at him and smiled. "Thanks."

"Why didn't you tell us it was your birthday? Your seventeenth birthday at that." James finished.

"Well first off, nobody asked when my birthday was. I didn't want to seem vain and tell you all a week in advance to get money off of you. That's just not who I am." I paused, looking over at Kendall who seemed to settle down a bit. "Plus, I've never celebrated my birthday before. Why should it be any different now."

Okay, Kendall was no longer settled . He walked over to our little "meeting" with a purpose. I swallowed my fear and looked up at him, I've seen that walk of purpose many times before, but I knew Kendall would never let it end the way it normally did. However, it didn't change the fear in my eyes.

"It's different now, Kate, because you have people here that care for you. Not people that hate you, not people who want to beat you. People who care about you. So you need to stop treating us like shit and treat us like you would you friends!"

The entire room was in shock, except for me. I should've seen this coming, you can next trust anybody but yourself. My eyes filled to to brim with tears and one escaped and ran down my face, I stood up and walked towards Kendall.

"I'm sorry, Kendall. I don't know how to treat you like a friend. I've never _had _one before. You asshole !" I screamed as I smacked Kendall square in the face. Unlike before, I had no remorse this time.

I felt the bus come to a stop in a gas station, I thought I heard James call my name as I ran off the bus, but all I could hear was the sounds of my own sobs.

I found my way to the side of the gas station and lent against the wall. I wiped my tears, but they just kept coming.

"Little miss are you okay?"

I turned and saw a man in rags who was covered in filth. He looked homeless.

"'Cuz I can help you feel better." He smirked at me and put a grimy hand on my shoulder. I froze in fear, as did my tears.

"Hey, bud." I heard a deep voice call, who pulled the homeless man away from me, and punched him in the jaw.

"James! Wha?" I gazed at the man who was laying on the floor unconscious.

James shook out his hand and put it around me. "I just can't leave you alone without you getting into some kind of trouble, birthday girl."

"Don't remind me. Happy birthday to me right?" I looked up at his tall frame, he wiped my last tear away from my face.

"Kendall was out of line. We really don't think that." James assured. I sat down with him at the curb of the _Food-Mart _food store at the gas station.

"Remember, back at the first show. When Kendall and I got into a fight?"

James nodded as I spoke.

"He was jealous that we were friends. Then, when I spoke to him today he was upset over the kiss yesterday."

"That kiss? It was just a dare!" James exclaimed.

"I know right !" I agreed. Somehow, it sounded fake.

"James." I sighed. He looked down at me with his deep hazel eyes. I melted into them quickly. "You know my deal with Jo." James nodded. "I can't have him, liking me. But now he _hates _me. I don't know if I can deal with that."

"Well, do you still have that crush on him?" James inquired, and I knew he didn't want to know the real answer. But, I owed it to him to be honest.

"Honestly? I think I do. But, he's so..." I paused. " – over protective, and obsessive. Over a girl who isn't even his. I watch movies with Carlos and he shows no emotion what so ever. I help Logan with his cooking and Kendall is like stone. James, you're my best friend and he can't stand that idea, and I don't know why."

I just wanted to go to sleep at that point of time, have a nice non-realistic dream, and be dead to the world for a couple of hours. How non-existent that fact is at this point in time, was crazy.

"Kendall is, much like a teenage girl." James said.

"Oh I can't wait to hear this." I laughed.

"No seriously!" He smiled at me. "He doesn't see Carlos or Logan as compition for him, but he does with me because he sees that you and I connect. After that kiss, I guess it just made his hormones rage for a bit."

"But I'm not his girlfriend! This is what I don't understand. Jo is his girlfriend, not me." I made a grumble out of frustration and rested my forehead on my knees.

"Bare with him, birthday girl, he hasn't seen his girlfriend in what? Two weeks?" He squeezed my shoulder in comfort, I smiled at him.

"I guess I never thought about that." I had a sense of realization, Kendall was on high-edge because he hasn't seen his _love_ in so long.

_Now I feel about about smacking him._

"Hey, how about I buy you some ice cream for you birthday? It's the least I can do since you know you're seventeen today and all." His face perked up, as did mine. I nodded and walked into the store with him. I picked out a chocolate _Drumstick_ with chocolate chips instead of nuts, James got the origianl.

"You don't like peanuts?" He questioned. I shook my head no.

"I'm allergic." I smiled.

"I learn something new about you every day. How allergic are you?"

I put the ice cream cones on the counter and let the woman behind the counter scan it. "My throat swells up, and I can't breathe." I shrugged. "We didn't figure that out till mom made us some peanut brittle for lunch one day."

"Ouch." James said as he gave the woman a ten dollar bill and handed me my cone. "Remind me never to buy you peanut brittle."

I laughed. "Got it."

James opened the door of the tour bus for me. "After you, birthday girl."

I curtsied. "Why thank you my kind soldier." I giggled and walked up the steps to the bus.

My good mood was immediately crushed as I saw a blonde girl sitting on Kendall's lap.

"Hello bitches !" She exclaimed happily.

"Jo?" I wondered, if my mind was playing tricks on me, this was a sure sick way to do it.

"That's right! I called up Gustavo and found out where you were, I couldn't stay away from Kendall any longer !"

She said as she shoved her tongue down Kendall's throat. He looked suffocated, not in bliss.

I shot a glance over to James who shared the same horrified look as I did.

_Happy Birthday Kate._

**A/N: So? What did you think? I think there was a lot of relationship progress going on here. **

**Anybody who knows me, I did give Kate my allergy to peanuts and nuts. However, mine is less severe as hers is.**

**What do you want to see in chapter seven? Let me know !**

– **Ketaura. **


	7. Secret Expressions

**A/N: Thank you for all the positive reviews on Chapter Six ! I honestly didn't expect all the positive reinforcement for the story. Every story favorite or author favorite makes me smile, so thanks so much.**

**This next chapter is dedicated to StainedRosePetal. She's been SO supportive of the story, and always shoots idea's my way. I talk to her _almost_ every day for a few hours at a time so this one is for you Kara!**

**Notice:**** In my fiction, the boys have there real life age at that point in time. So Carlos and Logan are twenty-one almost twenty-two. James had just turned twenty-one. Kendall is twenty. Jo is Twenty-one.**

**_WARNING: SEXUAL SITUATIONS._ **

**Chapter Seven: Secret Expressions.**

Jo got off of Kendall's lap and ran over to give me a big fake hug. Her nails clawed into my back and burst a welt, I cried out in pain.

Hopefully, if it started to rain she would melt.

**-x-x-x-x-**

As the bus started back up we all took our seats, I sat next to Carlos and rested on him as I ate my ice cream. James sat across from me, and Jo sat back down on Kendall's penis, _ahem_, lap.

"How did you two get ice cream?" Carlos asked as he stared at my ice cream cone.

"James bought it for me as a birthday present." I gloated as I took another lick. "You want some?" I offered Carlos, he gladly accepted and licked the rim of the cone. I shot a glance over to Kendall, he was stone.

"It's your birthday?" Jo exclaimed overly excited. I nodded my head.

"How old are you? Like, twelve right?"

I put a smile on to absorb the hate out of my face.

"Seventeen." I stated as Carlos gave me my ice cream cone back, I took another lick.

"Seventeen? We should go out and celebrate !" Jo's face perked up. "What about going to a club?"

"I'm not sure if you've noticed, Jo, but we're on a tour bus going across the country." I answered in a spiteful tone. The first time I ever celebrate my birthday would be with her? No thank you.

"I'm not sure if you've noticed, Kit, but this bus has breaks." She snapped back.

"It's Kate." I said harshly, this girl was asking for me to punch her.

"I like Kit better." She smiled sweetly. I wanted to smack the smile right off of her face.

"If Kate is okay with it, I think we all should go out and celebrate her birthday. It would be good for all of us to get off of this bus." Logan interrupted. If it was anybody else, I would've lost it. However, Logan obviously had my best intention at heart. I agreed to going out. Everybody smiled and Kendall and Jo kissed in happiness.

_I already feel sick._

"We'll stop at a hotel, we're not due in Los Angeles until late tomorrow. Hopefully Gustavo will pay for our rooms and then we'll get ready to go out." James added. Their voices soothed my burning desire to attack Jo.

"Wait, I don't have a _clubbing _dress." I said, thinking back to what I brought. I never even went to a party before, why would I have a clubbing dress in my suit case?

"Don't worry !" Jo giggled.

_Oh god._

"I have an old dress, it's a little big on me, so it would be kind of snug on you, but it should still fit !" She said in an overly peppy voice, bouncing her head like a bobble-head on a bumpy road.

_That's it !_

I got up, gave my cone to Carlos, and lunged for her. Before I made it to her, I was lifted of the ground and dragged to the top end of the bus.

"James what are you doing!" I screamed.

He put me down and stood firmly in front of me. "It's not worth it ! She's trying to get you to violate your contract."

I blinked twice in confusion. "Contract?"

"That thing you signed before we left. You can't be in any fights or you'll get kicked out of the band." James placed both of his hands firmly on my shoulders. "Don't do anything you'll regret."

I gripped his arms in the same fashion he gripped my shoulders. "I wont. I promise."

With that comment he let me go, I walked back over and had her smug face looking at me as I did so. I sat back down next to Carlos who had since devoured my ice cream cone.

"Is that the time?" The blonde shrieked as she glanced at the wall clock.

"If you learned to read it you wouldn't have to ask that question now would you?" I inquired with my own smug luck. Her face dropped from _peppy cheerleader_ to _depressed outcast_ in point two seconds.

"Ha-Ha. Very funny. I have to take a shower and start getting ready." Jo said as she gave a kiss to her boyfriend and ran into the shower.

Kendall watched her leave, staring at her non-existent ass probably, and called my name. I glanced over at him and he motioned me over to his bunk.

_Well the last time we were both there it didn't end very well, lets see what he wants now shall we?_

I got up from my comfortable seat with Carlos for the second time in the past two minutes and sat next to Kendall in his bottom bunk.

"Whats up?" I asked looking at him slide back, he motioned again for me to do the same. I leaned back with him and he shut the curtain.

"Jo will be in there for a about forty-five minutes. I think we should talk." Kendall said, sounding unsure.

"Okay?" I was suddenly confused, twenty minutes ago I smacked this guy in the face, now he wants to have a civilized talk?

"I'm really sorry about blowing up at you." He started, he couldn't look at me in the eye. That only increased my curiosity. "I shouldn't of done that. I was just so frustrated that you keep things from us when we all really care about you, I really care about you."

He looked up at me, his green eyes fixed on my blues. I nodded, never moving my gaze. "I know, Kendall. I care about you too, more then I think you know."

His eyebrows furrowed together for a split second. "I honestly don't think you know how much I care for you too."

I cracked a smile at his remark. "Really?"

His smile matched mine. "Really."

At that moment, the unthinkable happened. He leaned into me, and I let him. His lips brushed against mine in the most delicate way possible. I kissed his upper lip as gently as possible, he retorted by kissing my bottom lip the same way. We then both opened our mouths as his hand slipped into my hair and I fell on-top of him. Our tongues battled for dominance as my hand felt up his sides. He pulled my body directly layered with his. His free hand found his way into my back pocket and I moaned under his touch, I felt his hips buckle as I moaned into his mouth. Our kiss slowed as he squeezed my back pocket, and we both opened our eyes in realization what was happening. I quickly scrambled off of him and got out of the bunk.

I ran into the safety of my bed and pulled the sheet closed and sat in the middle of my bed.

"What the hell just happened?" I muttered to myself as I rocked back and forth, still getting off that the high from that kiss; and boy was that a high.

All of a sudden my sheet was snatched back as Kendall walked in and sat on the bed. "What was that Kate?" He said under his breath. I shook my head.

"I don't know. I think they call that a kiss." I whispered.

"I have a _girlfriend_ Kate!" He sounded distraught, and he brought my high crashing down.

"It was not _only_ me. You weren't complaining when you had your hand in my pocket grabbing my ass!"

He shook his head in comprehension of what had just happened.

"I can't believe you would sink so low as to kiss a guy while his girlfriend was showering!" He exclaimed out of frustration. I gasped in appall.

"_You _kissed me. _You _pulled me on-top of you while _you _had a hand in my hair. And _YOU_ were grabbing my ass. So this is not_ my _fault !" I was so close to smacking him for the second time today, but I held my composure. How did I have a crush on this guy?

"Well, I'm a guy. What's your excuse?" He stated remarkably calmer then any of his previous statements. Only to have the volume brought back up by my next statement.

"I am a teenage _girl. _Who _used_ to have a crush on you. But now I wonder how you can eat because your so fucking full of yourself!"

That surprised him.

I was feeling pretty good about myself at that point in time, that is until he opened his mouth again.

"Y-you, had a crush on me?"

"Had. Past tense. Shut the sheet when you're done, I've got a phone call to make."

I grabbed my phone and left Kendall awestruck in my bed. I have to admit, last week, I would've thought I would be leaving him awestruck in my bed for a completely different reason.

-**x-x-x-x- **

Ten ass-kissing minutes later, I clicked my phone off with a huge smile on my face.

"Gustavo is booking us in a suite in Las Vegas!" I could barely contain my excitement. "Not just any suite." I was almost about to burst.

"What suite Kate?" Logan asked as he was about to get up and shake it out of me.

"The Emperor's_ Suite_ at _Ceaser's Palace!" _

The three band-mates got up out of their seat and high fived each other .

"Hello? Girl who _got_ the suite here!" I called, they all tackled me at once. I was suddenly regretful I had said anything.

"Okay, Okay, you're welcome. Somebody's knee is in my spleen!" I cried out. One by one, I was able to get oxygen back into my lungs.

"How did you even get Gustavo to agree to that?" Carlos asked barely believing what had just happened.

"He said that he always does something big for his signed singer's first birthday. Although he was hoping mine wouldn't be until January." I shrugged. "We should be there in two hours."

**-x-x-x-x-**

I pushed all of the excess clothing and make-up bags down in the bottom of my suitcase. After a third feeble attempt of zipping up my bag, it finally zipped shut.

"Thank God." I sighed with relief sitting down next to the bag. I knew we were only going to be there for a night and a morning, but a girl could never be too prepared.

"So this is where you sleep?" I heard as the white sheet was quickly swept to the side. A newly bathed Jo Tanner was responsible. I let out another sigh, this one from disappointment.

"What do you want Jo?" I said looking around on the bed, making sure I didn't forget anything. I spritzed my vanilla perfume on my wrist and put it in the pocket of my bag.

"I want your bed." She said, not beating around the bush. I looked over at her like she was insane.

"You what?"

"I want your bed. It's a twin, significantly bigger then the bunks the boys have, and I think Kendall and I would have a good time snuggling in those sheets. After they've been washed of course." She snorted.

"Uhm." I shook my head, running a hand through my hair. "Sure, Jo. When we get back on the bus I'll take Kendall's bunk and you two can have the bed." I so did not feel like arguing after all the blow-ups that had happened today. 

"Awesome!" She clapped her well-manicured hands. "Oh, and if I catch you and Kendall doing anything as far as hugging. You know how far under you will be." Jo threatened. I nodded my head in compliance.

"Six feet. Yeah, I got it."

She nodded and found herself on the other side of the sheet. Kendall hadn't told her about the kiss earlier. Smart move on his. I would be without my life, and he would be without his genitalia.

The bus came to a halt in the round-about of _Ceaser's Palace_. I grabbed my pink plaid suitcase and was the last off of the bus.

I was awestruck as we walked through the automatic doors, the cool blast of the hotel's ventilation system hit us right in the face. All of our bags were swept away by bellhops in matching outfits. We wandered around the water fountain for a split second before making our way to the front desk.

"What's the reservation under, Kate?" James asked as he stepped in front of me, closest the the lady behind the counter.

"Big Time Rush." I nodded firmly.

The lady behind the counter, whose name tag said she went by the name _Lauren_, nodded her head she she typed quickly and efficiently into the data base. She smiled as the computer made a beeping noise.

"We're going to need a form of identification from any one of you, and a credit card to keep on file." She smiled sweetly, I looked at James.

Despite today being my birthday, I wasn't old enough to book a room. James got out his I.D and gave her the company credit card, we all had one, so it wasn't a big loss giving one to the hotel.

"There you go Mr. Diamond. Enjoy your stay at the _Ceaser's Palace._" She smiled again, another beauty-pageant style smile and handed his I.D back two key cards. We all thanked her and took the elevator up to the forty-fourth floor. The third-highest floor.

"I think the girls should get a card, and we should get a card." Logan said handing me the key card. I smiled at Jo proudly and placed the card in my purse. I swore I saw a snark, but it was gone before I could identify it.

As soon as the elevator dinged open, we all poured out of the elevator and found the front doors to our suite. Logan quickly slide the key card and as the light turned green we all stampeded into the room.

_We all had our share of ooh's's and ahh's. _The room was beautifully decorated in black, red, and natural tones. Jo quickly bolted towards the biggest room in the two-floor suite and claimed it as her and Kendall's.

"Well, there are only two other beds. We have to pair up." I said turning to grab the attentions of Carlos, Logan, and James. They nodded professionally.

"Well, Kate, I would like to request to share a room with you." James said in the most formal tone known to man. I smiled and nodded.

"Request granted." I took my suitcase that was recently delivered to the suite, and went up the marble stairs to the second-largest room.

Again, I was awestruck.

"Wow. I can't believe this ! Gustavo really pulled out all the stops for my birthday." I said as I through my body onto the soft bed comforter.

"Well believe it. You are officially one of us. Don't get to excited, you should see what we go through planning stuff for his birthday." James said as he effortlessly unpacked his suitcase and put his cologne on the his bed-side table.

"Oh I don't even want to think about it." My head spun.

_You have to tell James. Remember? You owe it to him to be one hundred percent honest._

I swallowed any regret of saying what I was about to say.

"Kendall and I kissed." I blurted as I held my breath. James dropped his bottle of hair care serum on the bed and just looked at me.

"You two what?" His deep hazel eyes turned brown and his mouth clenched. I hid my face in my hands.

"We kissed." I muttered through the gaps between my fingers.

"Kate that could get you _killed!_" He bellowed in anger. I nodded.

"I know!" I sat up and looked over at him, I felt like I was being scolded for making out behind the bleachers during P.E.

"Just..." James started and sighed. " – tell me what happened. When did you two...?" His voice trailed.

"Kiss?" I finished.

He nodded. "Yeah."

"When Jo went to the shower, and he called me to talk to me. He apologized for getting mad at me earlier and said he really cared about me. I said I cared about him too and then bam we just kissed." I relived the event in my head, how it had felt so right in the spur of the moment, and how terrible awful it felt two minutes after.

"Does Jo know?" He asked as he stood in-front of me.

"No, she has no idea." I said. She couldn't have any idea, if she knew I would already be downstream in some river far off that's uncharted on any map.

"And you two just kissed? That was it?"

"Well –" I blushed, James threw his hands up in anger.

"Kate!" He screamed.

"What?" I screamed back. "Do you want to know or not!"

His normally-hazel eyes were now as dark as black coffee, and that scared me. I had never seen James with this much anger bottled inside of him.

He nodded slowly. "Tell me, everything that happened."

"He kissed me, and we started to make out." I looked over to see if he was following, he nodded again to tell me he was. "Then he ran a hand through my hair, similar to the way you did, and pulled me down on-top of him." I saw his teeth clench again. "Then he slipped his hand in my back pocket as I ran my fingers along the side of his body. He squeezed my ass, and that was when we realized what was happening."

"Well Jo defiantly can't know." James stated as he started to angrily place his clothes in drawers.

"Thank you, captain obvious. After that I ran out and he blamed everything on me, that it was all my fault."

"Don't be too surprised." He said still not looking in my eyes.

"What do you mean?"

No answer.

"James!"

"It means that guys do that when they don't want to face the facts of what just happened." He said as he slammed a pair of jeans down on the bed and finally looked me in the eyes. "He knew it was his fault, he is just to afraid to admit it to himself. So he blamed the only other person involved. You."

I gulped and stepped back slightly.

"I'm going to go freshen up." He said as he grabbed a plush white hotel towel and walked towards the en-suite bathroom.

"I'm gonna go beg Jo for a hand-me-down dress." I said ever-so excitedly.

That made him chuckle.

"Good luck."

"I'll need it."

**-x-x-x-x-**

After an hour and a half of pleading comments to come downstairs, I was finally ready. Jo's dress didn't look half bad on me, the light turquoise color went perfectly with my white pumps. The dress came down to about mid-thigh, was ruched perfectly and showed just the right amount of my chest without looking slutty. I did a quick turn around and looked at the cross-straps behind me.

"Kate you look awesome just come out of the bathroom!" Logan squealed. This was only the third comment to come from him, the majority consisted of Jo and Kendall.

"One second!" I yelled back at them, followed by a unison groan. I smiled and re-applying my lip gloss, and sprayed some hairspray in my perfectly curled hair.

I grabbed my white clutch and spritzed with my vanilla perfume, once again.

"I'm coming down!"

For the first time in almost an hour and a half, my comments were followed by a cheering noise.

I carefully stepped down the stairs and grazed the banister so I didn't fall, walking in these heels looked so much easier on TV.

I smiled wide as everybody turned and stood as I walked down the steps. My smile grew wider as James came to the bottom of the steps. I laced my arm with his and walked back over to the group.

"That's _your_ dress Jo?" Carlos asked in shock. Jo was wearing a simple strapless black dress that was cinched at the waist with a bright red belt, and matching bright red shoes.

She only nodded in response. I smiled and leaned into James. His cologne quickly filled my nostrils and I sighed in happy release.

Today, I was just going to have fun for my birthday, and nothing could bring me down.

As James and I walked past Kendall to the front door, I gently used the palm of my hand to close this gaping jaw.

"Didn't mommy ever tell you staring is impolite?"

**-x-x-x-x-**

The entrance of the club was packed, and James assured me I wouldn't get carded. Because let's face it, I'm a worrier. We all got out of the sleek black hummer-limo, and went to the front of the line. We were happily greeted by a big black bouncer, with a terrifyingly deep voice.

"James, Kendall, Carlos, Logan. What brings you guys to Las Vegas?" He asked as he let another group in before shutting the movie-style barrier between these party-goers and the party.

"Just taking a quick break from the tour. You know how it is right buddy?" James sounded awfully chummy with this guy, I just clinged to his arm so I wouldn't get lost in a big crowd, like I tended to do sometimes.

"Kendall, you're still with miss Jo I see." He smiled as the two love-birds kissed. I couldn't bring myself to look at that, but the sound was still amply behind me.

The bouncer's eyes quickly grazed my skin. I looked at my feet who were already yelling at me for my poor choice of sensible footwear. He removed his black shades looked at me confused.

"Whose this 'Lil Mama?"

My arm squeezed James' arm tighter then before, he was bound to loose blood flow at any point, but the buddy-system has never failed me before.

"It's 'Lil Mama's birthday, so naturally we brought her here to celebrate." James winced from my grip, I let go slightly, but not much.

The bouncer seemed happy with that answer and let us all in. I cracked a smile and was instantly bombarded with neon laser lights, the smell of alcohol, and desperation.

We quickly sat down on a half-circle couch which was wrapped around a glass table. I sat at the end, next to James and everybody ordered a round of drinks. Kendall, despite not being old enough to drink, ordered a Corona.

The waitress who was clearly not wearing enough clothing for the amount of money she spent on the outfit, turned to me. I simply ordered a virgin strawberry daiquiri.

"Aww, you're no fun." Jo whined. Her whine was so nasal I thought my ears would start to bleed.

I only shrugged in response.

As the drinks flowed through the night, the only alcohol I consumed was a shot of tequila. Just to prove to Jo that I could do a shot quicker then her.

I won.

The only one of us who was completely drunk, was Jo. The others were giddy and happy, but they weren't completely shit-faced like Jo.

I danced with everybody, but Jo and Kendall. They were non-chalantly making out on the dance floor, which I didn't really mind. Until I was dancing with Logan and in the middle of the kiss, Kendall shot one eye open and looked directly at me.

I felt my body stiffen up and I grabbed James who was back at the booth.

"Come dance with me." I pleaded as I pulled his arm towards the dance floor.

"But I'm waiting for some nachos." His argued.

I gave him the ever-so famous puppy dog pout. He looked away and then looked back at me. I never let up, and I batted my eyelashes as he sighed in forfeit.

"Alright. One song." James sighed as I jumped up and down in victory.

As we found our way to the center of the dance floor, in perfect distance from Kendall and Jo, I turned my back to James and started to dance. James' hand imidiatly found its way to my hips as I moved to the beat.

The rhythm of the song lived inside of me. I danced and dipped and defiantly got my cardio in for the day. And, nobody seemed to be complaining.

Before the end of the song I turned my body so I had both hands gently propped on each of his shoulders. The green neon lights danced on his face, and I saw his eyes that that were once dark with anger now dark with intensity.

"You really shouldn't tease." He growled. My lower half was still in his grasp as I looked up at his tall frame.

"I never tease." I shed a small sly smile. I brought my hand up to feel the outline of his tanned face. I felt the vibrations of another growl.

For a moment, I thought maybe he was angry, but before I could ponder it further, he yanked me to him and covered my mouth with his in a hungry kiss. I responded immediately, even surprising myself. His mouth was so warm; and I could taste the slightest hint of alcohol. Yet the caress of his lips softer than I could have ever imagined. The music slowly dulled, and there there nobody else in the room but the James and I, but I felt a million pairs of eyes on me. The only ones I could identify were a pair of bright green eyes, owned by Kendall.

_This was defiantly more then a dare._

Suddenly, we both pulled away as if we had been burned.

"I'm sorry Kate." He said in a strangled tone. I shook my head and placed a finger on his mouth.

"Don't apologize. Hotel?" I smiled sexily, he agreed with an equally sexy smile. He leaded me out of the crowd and I clung to him.

_Buddy-system never fails._

**-x-x-x-x-**

My mind reeled as I was pushed onto the plush comforter of the hotel bed. I kicked of my shoes as the tan muscular man in front of my took his shirt off and blatantly discarded it to the floor.

I gently slid my legs open, as far as I could in my skin tight dress, and he slinked his way between them and hovered over me.

The intensity in his eyes returned as I watched his light hazels slowly turn to a deep brown. One hand found its way behind his ear, tucking away a loose hair. The other was rubbing James' chest.

A sneaky smile arose on his face as he kissed me again. The kiss was fiery from the start, and I arched my back under his touch and let it flow through my body. My previous wandering hands had found a home on he toned back of James Diamond.

My lips were soon departed and I whined from the sudden loss. His lips found a new home on the side of my neck. I felt an instant suction that made me let out a surprised moan. He felt down the side of my dress and looked up at me, the warmth from the side of my neck left me again. And I was not a fan.

"You're gonna have to take this off. It's getting in my way." He said as he continues to gently caress the material. I raised my eyebrow at him.

"Good. Because these are getting in my way." I replied as I placed two hands firmly on his ass.

The quick and fluid motion made James become a bit startled, but then he settled down and laughed. "I see." He said as he pulled me on-top of him. I kissed his upper lip as his hands unzipped the dress with grace.

I instantly pulled away. "Why are you being so careful?"

"I didn't wanna rip the dress." He said with the uttermost concern.

"It's Jo's dress." I reminded him.

"Right." James nodded as he ripped the dress open. I giggled and rolled over onto the bed, in nothing but my white thong. James threw the bright blue dress on to the floor and took his appropriate position on-top of me.

"No bra?" He smirked as buried his head back into my neck. I giggled. "Dress had it built in."

"God I love those things." He chuckled as he tried to kiss me, I placed a finger on his mouth.

"Ah-ah-ah." I tsked. "Pants."

"Right." He nodded and got off of the bed. I leaned against the headboard. I eyed his jeans as he undid his belt and unzipped his pants. I bit my lip without even realizing I did so. When in just his plaid boxers, he pulled a gold square out of the night side table.

I froze for the second time that night.

"_Get that condom for me now!" He screamed. My body was shivering and soaked in my own tears. I grabbed the first shiny gold condom I could find. It was his condom of choice, and the one he used every time he took advantage of me._

I shook myself free of the flashback, and saw James' eyes set on mine.

"Kate, you okay?" He pondered. I shook my head and took the condom out of his hand and through it away.

"Why did you do that?" If he was lost before, he was completely lost now.

"Seth." I muttered.

"Seth?" James said puzzled. "Oh, Seth used the..." His voice trailed. He sat next to me and pulled me into a hug. "I'm sorry, but it's all I have."

"Can't you just, pull out?" I questioned. He looked at me with worry. I pulled the puppy dog pout. "Please?" I climbed on his lap and wrapped my arms around his neck. "Pretty pretty please?"

James nodded. "I guess I can pull out."

I squealed in excitement and pulled James on-top of me as I attacked him with fiery kisses. I heard yet another growl, which I responded to by gliding my hand down the side of his face.

James gently pulled my underwear down to my ankles, and took off his boxers. I moaned in a relief. Feeling his naked body against mine was as much therapy as I could ever need.

He quickly slid into me and I gripped the sheets around me. His pulsating member began to swiftly move in and out of my core. I felt his chest start to bead up with sweat as I cried out in pleasure.

A few curse words were moaned from his side, I gripped his back and sunk my finger nails into his back as he found my soft spot; and I let him know it.

"Jesus Christ." I moaned as I started to push back against him. This earned me a low groan of pleasure as he gripped the side of my body.

_You know, if I really cared about religion at that moment, I would've been mad at myself for saying that as I was having sex. But I really didn't give a damn. _

"Kate.." His voice was in utter bliss. I moaned back at him. "Don't go slow, baby, I can handle it."

As if those were the magic words, James pushed into me harder then I had ever felt before. _Ever._

I screamed out in total bliss as he hit my sweet spot thrust after thrust. I wrapped my legs around his waist and gritted my teeth.

"You can fucking do it James, make me come. I know you can do it, stop holding out on me babe." I whispered into his ear. He kissed me and sat up on his knees and pulled my legs with him. His thrusts never lost a beat and with one hand on my lower back he used the other to start rubbing my clit.

Then, I lost it.

A cry of pure ecstasy filled the air around me as my body shot up in pleasure. My walls tightened around him as I moaned his name multiple times.

That, made him loose it.

Shortly after I came down from my high, he shot up on his own. "Oh fu–" was all I heard come out of his mouth before he quickly pulled out and came on my lower abdomen.

He collapsed next to me, covered in a sheen of both of our sweat. He pulled me into his grasp and took a deep breath before falling asleep, as did I.

**A/N: So? My first lemon of the story! What did you think? I know this chapter ran long, but boy did you get a surprise ending ! **

**The next chapter should be up in two, maybe three days. My birthday is on Sunday so I will barely be online that day. **

**Review and tell me what you think ! **

**P.S. StainedRosePetal, I hope you enjoyed your lemon ! (:**

– **Ketaura **


	8. Actions and Reactions

**AN: Well don't we have ourselves a brand-spanking new week ! I hope you guys enjoy this **

**chapter, it's defiantly going to be one of my favorites so far, so enjoy!**

**I obviously have nothing better to do at 12:50 at night... so here you go !**

**Disclaimer:I don't own Big Time Rush. I only own the writing and the ideas from my head. **

**Chapter Eight: Actions and Reactions.**

James and I were woken up by a banging on the door, telling us to come down for breakfast. My eyes cracked open, and saw James' perfectly chiseled chest, that I happened to be sleeping on. I pulled back in a fluid motion that quickly put me on the floor next to the bed.

I was about to curse, but decided to have a positive attitude about it. Not just the fall, or the sex, the entire day. It may not solve all my problems, but it will piss off enough people to keep the day interesting.

**-x-x-x-x-**

James instantly got up and offered me his hand, I gratefully took it. Once we were both standing up-right, we looked at each others bodies.

Our naked bodies.

_Hot damn!_

I quickly grabbed a bath robe and tied it around my waist, as he slipped on some sweat pants. I pulled the hair out of the robe and just looked at James for a second.

_James was supposed to be your friend. And you had sex with him! How could you jeopardize his friendship. How could you –_

My inner thoughts were silenced as his gaze met mine, I saw the same intensity I saw last night shape the color of his hazel eyes. Before I could blink he pulled me into his arms and kissed me. I jumped into his arms as he wrapped my legs around his waist and threw himself back onto the bed.

Then, well. You can pretty much infer what happened next.

**-x-x-x-x-**

The only noise in the dining room was the clinks and clangs of our utensils hitting the plates. Each set of eyes were intently fixed on getting the food from their plates to their mouths with no problems. Occasionally, we would steal glances from across the table, desperate for human contact.

On the way down to breakfast this morning, it became apparent that they heard our little before-breakfast fling. I shrugged it off, with my good mood and all, but others didn't seem to do so.

Jo came up from behind and startled me. She was as perky as always, which was startling in itself. Anybody else would've thought she'd be nursing a hangover this morning.

"Hey Kate, what's that on your neck?" She said pulling down the puffed-up collar of my bath robe. I used a cereal spoon to look at what she was pointing at.

"It just looks like a regular hickey." I dismissed her sense of urgency. I used my then-mirror to shovel a mouthful of _Lucky Charms_ into my mouth.

"It looks really deep. That couldn't of happened this morning could it?" Jo's voice sounded like she was trying to get information out of a kindergartener.

I dropped my spoon back into the bowl, which hit with a huge _clang._ Everybody looked up at me, which was my prime intention. Five pairs of eyes were heavily set on mine, but my eyes were only filled with fire.

"I take it scandalous things don't really happen on tour with you guys except who ate the last _bon-bon_. Well here is your gossip for you, James and I had sex. Not just this morning; last night as well. But something tells me you all already knew that. Now instead of avoiding the elephant in the room, just fucking shoot it!"

I stood up from my seat, about to take my bowl into the kitchen when I decided to add fuel to the fire. "Oh, and by the way, he was great."

Feeling accomplished I decided to leave the table and chucked my bowl into the sink. I let out a groan of frustration and ran a hand through my matted hair. I was instantly joined by the instigator of the outburst.

"What do you want, Jo?" I inquired as I stuck my head in the freezer, a part of my wondered if it was as cold in here as it was in her heart.

"I just wanted to say I'm sorry."

I instantly turned around and looked her in the eyes. "You wanna what?"

_Don't trust her. She wants to kill you, she's just wants you to let your guard down._

She leaned back on the counter and sighed sympathetically. "I shouldn't of threatened to do those things. You obviously don't even like Kendall, you like James."

I nodded intently. I wanted to hear what she had to say.

"I'm just so scared that Kendall will leave me. But now that you're dating James–"

I cut her off. "I'm not dating James."

Jo narrowed her eyebrows. "But you just said you two..."

"I know what I said, and it's true. But James and I haven't made anything official." I pulled out two slices of bread.

I thought I saw her evil snark return, but much like when we were in the elevator, it disappeared before I could identify it.

"Hey." She pulled the slices of bread out of my hand. "Let me make you some toast, as a saying I'm sorry."

I nodded. "Okay, I'll be at the table." I said watching her face light up. As soon as my back was turned I made shook my head and assured myself I wouldn't be considering Jo a _bestie _any time soon.

The tension at the table was a helluva lot stiffer here then back in the kitchen. James leaned into me and whispered into my ear.

"Why did you do that?"

I looked at him like he was crazy.

"What part didn't you like the part where I told them to pull their heads out of their asses or the part where I said you were good in bed?" I whispered back. A smile grew on his face.

"Okay, good point. Never mind."

I giggled at the sight of his smile, even if James and I weren't a couple, were still best friends.

Suddenly a plate of whole-grain toast was plopped in-front of me. I looked up at Jo, who was smiling like a clown, a very ugly clown.

"Well, eat up!" She took her rightful place next to Kendall, as James eyed the toast.

I quickly took a bite and of my toast and smiled. "This is good." I said as I covered my mouth with a napkin, cleaning up the loose crumbs.

Jo smiled. "I'm glad you like it ! The butter is home-made."

I took another bite. "Really?" My voice was raspy, but I wrote it off as too much in-bed moaning.

She nodded. "All natural!"

_More then I can say about your personality._

"Kate, what's that on your arm?" Logan said from across the table. I quickly grazed my finger tips against the bumps on my fore-arm. I swallowed what was left in my mouth. "I...I..."

My breath shortened as my pulse quickened. I kept shaking my head and braced my arms against the table, trying to catch a breath. Beads of sweat broke out almost as fast as the hives did. James swiped a slice of the toast that Jo made for me and quickly took a bite. His eyes widened. "This is almond butter!"

My eyes widened with his, all of a sudden, it felt like I was breathing through a coffee straw. My entire body pulsate rapidly as I tried to catch a breath.

"What's happening?" Carlos screamed as everybody ran and made a circle around me. Jo even joined the circle with eyes as wide as a raccoon. How could she not have known what she fed me?

"She's going into anaphylactic shock, James how allergic is she to nuts?" Logan burst through the dome-like formation around me and pushed everybody away.

"She told me she was moderately to severely. Somewhere between there." James was flabbergasted, as was I .

My pulse started to slow, slow to the point where my eyes started to glaze over. Logan gently tapped my cheek. "Kate, Kate, you _can't _go into a coma. It could be deathly."

I comprehended what he was saying, but nodding was difficult. My throat and tongue were so swelled I could barely move. Breathing was near impossible, and a cold swear covered my hives.

_Kate you're gonna die. Because of that bitch you're going to die a day over seventeen ! _

I'm sure it was the anaphylactic shock that was bringing on this sudden sense of impending doom, but I couldn't stay here. I'd die here.

_You're gonna die anyways here on this cold expensive hotel floor !_

Then, abruptly, the room started to fade to black. I fell off of the chair and hit my head on the floor, hard.

**-x-x-x-x-**

"She's gonna be okay, Kendall. You really should go."

My ears were awake before the rest of me, I heard the occasional beep of a heart monitor and a deep voice arguing with Kendall.

"Five more minutes." He pleaded. The doctor didn't seem to let up.

"I'm sorry, she's asleep, she hasn't woken up in four days I'm not so sure she'll ever."

_Four days! What about the concerts, the tours, we had a photo shoot scheduled for Tuesday,_ _I mean, yesterday. What the hell!_

"No, you can't say that, it was only an allergic reaction!" He yelled back at the doctor, I heard his chair squeak as he stood.

"Yes but she also hit her head very hard on her way down, she could be brain dead." The doctor informed as Kendall spun around, fighting off tears.

"S-she can't be brain dead! The last thing I said to her... I... told her I blamed her." His voice quivered. The doctor patted his back sympathetically.

"I'm sorry kid, but there isn't much more we can do. We can't seem to find her parents, so if you want we can pull the plug..."

"Oh hush up, I feel like I'm on a bad episode of _Grey's Anatomy._" I chimed in as I gently sat up .

Both of their jaws dropped, and they both rushed to either sides of my bed.

"Ms. Reid? How do you feel?" The pale white-haired doctor questioned. I shrugged. "A small headache nothing two aspirin and a bottle of water couldn't fix."

Kendall immediately looked up to the ceiling whispering something as he wiped his face clear of any evidence he was crying.

"Uh, can we be alone for a second doc?" I asked.

"We need to run some test's, nobody was expecting you to wake up." He informed as he nodded firmly.

"I'll still be here in twenty minutes. Just, please." I plead. The doctor unwillingly obliged and shut the door behind him.

"Kendall..." I started, he cut me off as he sat at the foot of my bed.

"You almost died." He simply stated. "You almost died because of Jo."

I shook my head. "She didn't know I was allergic"

_Since when are you defending the devil?_

I shot glance to the other side of my bed, I saw a bed with a single pillow and scrambled sheets. I raised an eyebrow. "What's that...?" His eyes followed my glance.

"That..." He sighed. "Has been my bed for the past three nights."

My eyebrows furrowed. "Why? Where is...is Jo? Or Logan or James or Carlos? Why are you here?"

I had so many questions, but there where only so many that could be stated in one breath of air.

"The answers to those in order are A, because the couch was not comfortable at all, B, Jo is back at home, C, the guys are working doing some public events due to us having to re-schedule some of our concerts and couldn't afford to loose press, and D, because I refused to leave you alone, in case you woke up ."

The answers only increased my headache. "But, I'm evil. I manipulated a guy who had a girlfriend."

His expression dropped, obviously not liking to face what he said. I crossed my arms over my chest and watched him as he ran two fingers over his stubble. Did the hospital not offer razors? Or did he honestly not want to leave my side?

"You're not evil, and you're not manipulative. You honestly don't deserve to be in this hospital bed, you didn't deserve to be fighting for your life." Kendall's voice shook, he couldn't look me in the eye. I didn't know how bad my anaphylactic shock had been, but apparently, it really shook him up.

"Jo didn't give you the almond butter."

My world crashed around me, a lump formed in my throat and in my stomach. I tried to swallow it down, but it wouldn't go. I shook my head, Jo had to give me the butter. She _gave_ me the plate.

At this point, tears rolled down his face again. A wise person once told me that a man's tears were worth more then a woman's. But, right now, his tears meant nothing more then the dirt under my shoes.

"I wan in the kitchen with Jo after you left." Kendall still couldn't look me in the eye. I didn't care, I just wanted to know who the hell put me in this hospital bed. "She asked me to pass her some butter, she makes it at home herself. She brought almond butter, and regular butter. I gave her the almond butter."

_Kendall? Kendall gave me the almond butter that could have killed me? That's why he stayed. Not because he wanted to be here when I woke up, not because he wanted to make sure I was okay. Because he felt guilty._

My foot made contact with his side as I kicked him off the bed. Before I knew it, I tear appeared on my cheek. I refused to let any others place on my face. I was too mad to let that happen.

"You?" I screamed. He held his arms out in a calming fashion, I however was no where near calm.

"I was mad !" Kendall screamed back. "I was mad that you and James kissed, I was mad that you two had sex, and I was mad that you like him and not me!"

"That gives you no right to try and _kill me!_"

"I didn't know you were _that_ allergic ! I heard James tell Logan you were allergic I didn't think you could die!" His voice only enraged me more. Learning that my fellow band-mate, and a guy I used to think was attractive, tried to kill me? That was a new twist. People trying to kill me I was used too, hell it was the norm . But the reason I got away was to down the number of attempted murders. Not slowly bring them up; between Jo, Kendall, and Seth, I shouldn't live past Christmas.

"Mildly allergic or severely allergic you knew I was allergic and you tried to hurt me." There was no compassion in my voice. I almost surprised myself. Almost.

"I thought that maybe you'd throw up. Or you'd get cold sweats. If I knew I never would've done it!"

"You blamed Jo just five minutes ago. You were gonna let her take the blame!" I'm not sure what made me more enraged, the fact that he did it, or that he was going to let his girlfriend take the blame for something she didn't do.

"But I didn't! I told you the truth!"

"Oh, so that makes it okay? No, Kendall! It doesn't make it okay!" My voice calmed. I couldn't look at him anymore.

"Get out." I said in as I shook my head.

"What?" He sounded confused, so I said it louder.

"Get the fuck out!" I yelled. This time he didn't question my request. He quickly scurried out of the room. I grabbed my cell phone and dialed a number to the boss-man.

Mr Gustavo Roqcue.

**-x-x-x-x-**

It's been a week since my show-down with Kendall, and my allergic reaction. I was out of the hospital and back in LA within two days, my miraculos recovery was telivised in almost every state, except for Hawaii. That should have scared me, that people in Michigan saw my name and location on the news, but somehow I still felt safe in the situation I was in. Tour buses and hotel rooms alike.

I walked into the door to _Roqcue Records_ with my iPod ear buds firmly in my ears. I was wearing a pair of brown ankle-boots, jean shorts, a white tank with an over-sized vest on-top. The whole bohemian look wasn't complete without my '70's head band that wrapped around my forehead to the back of my head. I took a sip of my _Starbucks Frappuchino _as I showed the front-desk clerk my I.D, and stepped into the elevator. The tour has been rescheduled for a week from today, to give us some time to calm down and record some tunes.

I haven't seen Kendall since the argument, and I haven't seen any of my other band-mates since the reaction.

_Not even James._

I stayed locked in my room for the past seven days. James called me, wanting to come over. But I wasn't ready to see him, I wasn't ready to see anybody. I made a huge mistake when I came here, and that was believing that people could change. I won't make that mistake again.

I pushed through the clear double doors into the bright red and orange studio. I ran up behind Gustavo and gave him a huge hug, and thanked him for my birthday vacation. He smiled and pointed to Logan and Carlos who were sitting on the couch.

"Does she always smell like vanilla?" He asked as I let out a giggle.

"Yes!" The boys said in unison. I ran over and hugged them both, to be totally honest, I missed them. Logan and Carlos are both amazing friends to me and didn't deserve to be shut out.

"Who are we waiting on?" I inquired as I made myself comfortable, I laid my head on Carlos' lap and put my recently-shaved legs on Logan. Carlos' fingers instantly ran through the strands of my blonde hair, what he did every time I laid on his lap.

"James and Kendall. James should be here first, Kendall is stuck in traffic. I nodded. After that we made small talk for the next half an hour as we waiting for James to arrive. Logan constantly rubbed his hands up my legs in awe of my lotion, and I constantly kicked him for sniffing my legs.

Forty-five minutes late, James walked through the door. He'd gotten a hair-cut since the last time I saw him. His hair now no longer long and wispy, but short and edgy. Personally, I thought it was hot.

Dressed in a light gray button-up collared shirt and jeans, he went directly to Gustavo.

"Gustavo I was at a photo-shoot you can't be mad at me." He automatically defended his lateness. Gustavo shook his head.

"It doesn't even matter, we're still waiting on Kendall." He informed, James let out a sigh of relief.

"Aren't we always?" He then turned to the couch and saw me, his face lit up. "Kate?"

I sat up, out of my ever-so comfortable position in between getting my hair played with and legs rubbed, and smiled. "You didn't think I'd miss a recording session did you?"

His face was awe-struck, which only made my cheeks heat up. "N-no, I didn't." He managed to spit out.

I stood up and walked towards him, he picked me up and spun me around as he pressed his lips on mine. I instantly kissed him back, and wrapped my arms around his neck. The whistling was what brought us back into our reality. I pulled away from him, and took a sip of my _frappuchino_. He smiled and took a sip of it too.

"Really friendly with James aren't you Kate?" Gustavo sounded slightly surprised. I was surprised by the welcoming he gave me, James and I had no official label yet, but that we'd have to work on later.

Because behind us stood a sweaty, dumbfounded, Kendall Knight.

"Awkward..." Logan stated as we James and I exchanged an uneasy glance.

"Look! Relationships can wait. I brought you all here for work. It's great that you could join us Kendall." Gustavo really split the tension with that. Kendall sat in my previous seat between Carlos and Logan. James sat in an arm chair, where I sat on his lap and leaned back against him.

"What are you gonna have us doing today, Gustavo?" Carlos asked as he tossed me my chain purse, I thanked him and set it on my own lap.

"We're going to be adding a song to your set list for when you guys go back on tour." He informed. We all looked at each-other and nodded.

"What song?" James asked as he wrapped his arm around my waist. I laughed lightly in response, which earned me a sly smile.

"One you've already recorded. With Jordin Sparks, Count on You. Kate are you familiar with the song?" He questioned. I nodded slowly.

"Yeah, It's on my iPod. But I don't get what that has to do with–"

I was cut off.

"Great! You'll be singing Jordin's part."

My eyes widened. "I'm gonna be what? Those are huge shoes to fill, Gustavo."

"Yeah, Gustavo, I don't think she can fill those shoes either." This time the voice came from Kendall. My eyes glared at him, did he really think that he was in the position to tell me what I can and cannot do.

"On second thought, let's hit the booth."

**-x-x-x-x-**

This song has plenty of pro's and con's to it. Pro's; I get to sing a lot, I get to sing in unison with James with lovey-dovey lyrics, and I get to show my range. Con's; Kendall sings most of the song with me.

Yep, that was a big enough con for my buzz to be killed.

We were on take number eight, and my soul just wasn't into it. I related to the song, being that I'd never really loved anybody before. At least, I'd never knowingly loved somebody.

By the last line of the first verse, I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't sing about this with Kendall, I put my headphones on the mic and ran out of the studio.

"Kate! What's wrong with Kate?" I heard Gustavo call out. The guys behind them shrugged.

"Kate and Kendall don't really get along." Logan informed. Gustavo was surprised at that bit of information.

"Kate and Kendall? Who doesn't get along with Kendall? Everybody get's along with Kendall!" He exclaimed, I slammed the door behind me and sunk to the floor outside.

My face was hidden in my hands as I cried to myself.

_This is work, Kate. How can you let something so stupid interfere in your work?_

It wasn't stupid. I honestly couldn't stand the idea of singing that song with Kendall. It made my stomach churn, and all of a sudden, I felt nauseous.

Suddenly, the door swung open. I quickly looked up, to see Kendall standing in the door way. I immediately stood up and started walking down the hall.

"I just can't get away from you?" I didn't want him to answer that rhetorical question. My back was too him, and I was going to get as far away from him as possible.

"Kate, just give me second to talk to you!" He was high on my tails, but I continued to storm down the halls of _Roqcue Records._

"Why? Why do you deserve a second to talk to me?" I pondered allowed. This question I wanted to hear the answer too. Kendall then pulled my arm back and forced me to stop. I turned around put my hands in the back pockets of my shorts.

"Because, I want to apologize." His eyes seemed sincere. My eyes just rolled.

"You look, beautiful by the way." His emerald eyes looked up and down at my body. I smacked him across the face.

"Don't eye me like a piece of meat." I turned around, only to be turned around again.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything. Kate, you have to realize something." Kendall had two hands placed on my shoulders, I looked at his placement, but determined it wasn't worth a smack over.

"Really? And what would that be?" I rested most of my weight on one side of my body and crossed my arms at my waist, he then let go of my shoulders.

"You, are one of _the_ most beautiful women I've ever seen." He started. I raised an eyebrow at my statement. "When I first saw you at the audition, I knew I wanted to be with you regardless on whether you got in or not. But obviously here you are."

"Here I am." I replied. I had to take each word with a pinch of salt, I couldn't let this guy back in again. Imagine what kind of damage he could do if he knew _everything._

"We connected, you sat on my lap on the way to the dance studio. You and I had amazing chemistry in the choreography. Skip forward a few days and I see you and James together. It, it just destroyed me."

I empathized with him probably more then I should have. I'm a girl, and I have a soul, but that doesn't mean he'll be in my good books any time soon.

"When I saw you and James kiss, during the dare, I was filled to the brim with hate, and jealousy, and some other things I can't identify because I'm a guy and I don't talk about my feelings."

I rolled my eyes at him again. But hey, at least he was trying.

"Then, we kissed. Remember?"

My eyes averted his, and looked up the nearest wall. Eventually, I nodded. "Yeah, I remember."

"It was, amazing. I wanted, so much more. I wanted you to be mine." His voice turned into a pleading tone, laced with want and need.

"But I couldn't be yours Kendall. Your girlfriend was on that bus." I reminded him.

"I know. I didn't want to like you. I didn't want to fall in love with you, Kate. But I did. I fell so hard, and I couldn't bring myself to accept that. So, I blamed you. Rationalized that the only reason that happened was because you were pretty to look at."

I scoffed. "Great."

"No, Kate. You're missing the point. I am in love with you. I have been from the first day I met you, in that white-cotton dress, and your cowboy boots." His body seems like he had released a huge weight, and relaxed. My body did everything but.

"But, you haven't broken up with Jo, have you?" I questioned. He shook his head softly.

"No. I haven't" Kendall hung his head in shame like a six year old.

"Unbelievable. Here is the bottom line Kendall, you're twenty years old, almost twenty one. You can't man up and break up with a girlfriend, but you can attempt to kill the one you're supposedly in love with."

His head looked up, he opened his mouth like he was going to say something. My finger silenced his lips. "No, this is my turn to talk. I forgive you. You've enlightened me on some of your reasoning. But I won't forget, and I _will not_ go out with a taken man. I'm with James now. Your friend, our band-mate. He is a man, he protects me, comforts me, and does everything a man should. I will be your friend, Kendall Knight. But until you prove to me, you're not pulling some shit I would expect back in high school, which I am missing to be in this band. You will be friend. Nothing higher, nothing lower."

Kendall slowly agreed. I felt accomplished, I said everything I needed to without it sounding like a cluster-fuck.

"Good, now. We can go sing."

**AN: Well, what do you think? A lot happened in this chapter and I would love for you to tell me what you thought! I honestly love to check my email and see reviews or story favourites or any of those things, so please don't be shy!**

–**Ketaura.**


	9. Crimson Advances

**AN: Hey ! It's Ketaura, the author of this lovely fan-fiction. I would like to thank everybody for the support on this story, I apologize for the lateness but I had a major writers block and cold only write three-lines at a time for the longest. But here it is, nevertheless!**

_**WARNING: INTENSE VIOLENCE**_

**Disclaimer:I don't own Big Time Rush. I only own the writing and the ideas from my head.__**

**Chapter Nine: Crimson Advances**

Today was the day I did my first interview. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited. But it is a live interview on _Good Morning America_ with a live performance after it. For all of America. That's live and I can never take back.

No pressure.

**-x-x-x-x-**

The clock read 6:48 am and it was far too early to be in a make-up chair getting poked and pried. That was, however, where I was.

"Anybody know what time we're scheduled to go on?" I asked as I flipped through the pages of _Seventeen. _What else would I be doing at 6:48 in the morning? Not sleeping. I can tell you that.

"7:15" James informed me from the back of the room. There was a tape measure against his arm and several different colored vests being pressed against his body.

"Thanks, hey where is Logan?" I inquired as I stopped one of the subscription offers from falling out of the magazine.

"Did somebody ask for Logan?"

Every head turned to look at Logan who was standing proudly erect with a box of _Dunkin' Donuts_ in one hand and four coffee frappuchino's from _Starbucks_ in the other. I flew out of my chair and to Logan's side in two point two.

My eyes darted from the donut box to the cold coffee drinks in his other hand. My face elated as I took the drinks out of his hand.

"Logan Mitchell, will you marry me?" I said in an exasperated tone. He chuckled and followed me to the table in the side of the room.

"Yes, Kate Reid, I will."

We shared a laugh as Logan propped open the donut box. "I got everybody's favorites. Come get 'em while they're hot!" He announced as the three men quickly circled around the box. James took a chocolate frosted, Carlos took a powdered, and Kendall took a jelly-filled. They all thanked him with a pat on the back, with the hand that wasn't stuffing their face with fried dough.

"For you, Kate. Your vanilla bean with a double-shot of coffee as a little pick-me-up." Logan said as he presented the drink in my palm. My eyes almost burst out of their sockets.

I wrapped one hand around him as we began to walk back to our beauty-seats. "Logan, you and I are going to have a long, long, beautiful marriage." I said as I kissed his cheek and sat in my chair.

Twenty glamorizing minutes later, we were sitting on a half-circle couch, looking as fabulous as you could at seven a.m and had smiles plastered to our faces.

"You guys may be familiar with the boys of Big Time Rush; Kendall, Carlos, James and Logan but who you aren't familiar with is their newest member, seventeen year old Kate Reid." The interviewer, Lara Spencer, announced as she ran a hand through her white-blonde hair.

_Great. My first and last name. Chill, Kate. Nobody in Grand Rapids even knows what station Good Morning America is on. Let alone watch it today of all days._

A clip flashed across the screen of the boys and I on tour, and showed my belting out the high note on _Worldwide. _I cracked a smile seeing myself on television, it was defiantly surreal.

"So, Kate. What's it like seeing yourself on TV?" Lara asked as she set her flash-cards on her lap and leaned in toward me.

_Honest answers. Honest answers._

"It's, defiantly..." I took a deep breath in. "Different." My exhaled laugh implied nervousness. Which amounted from no idea what was about to be thrown my way.

"Well, what was it like? Your audition process?" She said as she moved one of her flash-cards from front me back.

"Well –" My breathing was back to normal. Questions like this I could handle. "I saw an add in the newspaper back in Michigan, and without a second thought I emptied my piggy-bank, grabbed my guitar, and flew out to California." I nodded, as I scooted closer to Carlos who was on my left. Carlos had something about him that always made me feel light and happy, and I needed it now.

"Wow that must've been hard. What about the actual audition itself? We're the boys intimidating?"

I shook my head. "Not as intimidating as our boss, Gustavo Roqcue. But I gave it all I had and here I am." I forced a broken smile. Interviews were defiantly _not_ my thing. I felt like I had a million pairs of eyes on me, and my palms began to prick with sweat.

"Here you are." She smiled a pearly white smile. Her hair and her teeth were almost the same color, that much bleaching on the hair or teeth couldn't be good. "What about your relationships with the boys? Your on a tour bus with them am I right?"

"You are right. I have different relationships with each of the boys, and I go to them all for different things. But they've opened their arms and accepted me and I couldn't ask for better band-mates." I gazed around me, all of their eyes were fixed on mine, but their faces all wore the same genuine smile.

"Well an anonymous person came by early this morning with some pictures for us to show you. Kate, how's your relationship with James, in particular?"

I felt the blood rush to my cheeks as soon as she said James' name. I decided to shrug it off.

_What kind of pictures could she have? _

"We have a great relationship." I replied, nervously tugging at my skirt. "Why do you ask?" My hands moved from the hem of my skirt to a section of hair that ended up being twirled around my finger.

Lara then pointed to the monitor where the anonymous pictures were displayed.

"Oh shit." I murmured.

The picture on the screen was from the recording session. It displayed James spinning me around, and kissing me. My hand immediately pulled away from my hair and covered my mouth. Then another picture flashed across the screen, one where I was sitting on James' lap with his arm around me.

"How, what?" I stuttered. I shot a glance over at James who was on my right. His eyes looked down at mine, his tall frame still taller then me even as we sat down. His eyes were filled with an emotion I couldn't be sure of. _Fear? Nerves? Regret?_

"So, you and James seem to have a really close relationship. " Lara stated as she earned my attention back. I was still pondering how the hell those pictures were taken. Security? Fans? No, we weren't on the ground floor. I guess some secrets are better kept a secret, which was something I knew all too well.

"James why don't you take this one, I've done all the talking so far." I turned towards him. All of a sudden I saw an emotion on his face I didn't see normally. Shyness.

"Well..." His voice trailed. He cleared his throat and I glanced back up at him. His eyes looked back down at mine and we shared a moment of realization.

All of a sudden, James' voice went from quiet and shaky, to loud and firm. "You know what." He started, taking my hand into his. We hadn't defined our relationship yet, but I had a feeling that we were in a second.

"We are more then friends." He finished. Giving my hand an encouraging squeeze. I was still slightly taken back, but let out a small smile.

_You're dating James. It's official. He's your boyfriend._

Those words were just playing back and forth in my mind. My eyes flashed to James' fingers interlaced with my own and I felt like I would vomit. I'd never had a boyfriend before, and I wasn't sure, despite my feelings, that I was ready.

"Well you heard here first folks!" Lara beamed as she discarded her flash-cards and looked directly into the camera. "James Diamond and Kate Reid are an item. And after the commercial break you will see them sing together, along with the three other members of Big Time Rush. Stay tuned."

A few seconds after she finished the producer yelled _clear_ and everyone on set started to dismantle. I was the first one off the set.

I tried to find my way to a bathroom, or a closet, or any small area where I wont be disturbed. Too bad I didn't know the area well enough to find myself a few yards off of the sound stage before James was on my tail.

"Kate, are you okay?" He asked as he spun me around. My body was trembling. I nodded, if there was any way I could perform in three minutes. I had to talk to certain person, the only one who knows why I'm so scared, and it had to be fast.

"Kendall. I need to talk to Kendall." Tears were pushed back as James looked at me with a puzzled expression.

Despite everything Kendall and I had gone through the past couple of weeks, I told him I'd be his friend, and being his friend is what I intend on doing. Friends are there when they needed one another, and right now, I needed him.

"I'm here, you can talk to me." He assured, placing both hands on my shoulders.

"I know, but I really need to talk to Kendall." I stammered as I removed his palms from my shoulders. Worry grew on his face.

"Did I do something wrong? Did, did you not want to be going out with me?" This time it was him pushing back tears. I couldn't hurt him. He meant too much to me.

"No, no no James." I said as I placed a gentle kiss upon his lips, and ran a hand down the side of his face. "I just, I need to talk to him. Before the commercials are over."

James finally obliged and gave me a quick kiss on the cheek before running off to find Kendall. I ran a hand through my hair as people came up to me trying to give me water and fix my hair I'd just intentionally pushed away. Somebody set my head-set as another lady was trying to run a flat iron through my hair. When the mic was set on my head I turned it off, and tried to walk; but they followed. When I stopped, they stopped. As Kendall approached me I sprinted towards him and pulled him out of the chaos that was a back door.

Heat and fumes were quickly inhaled as I stepped out of the studio with him. His dark eyebrows furrowed together as he looks down at me.

"Kate what's wrong? James said you wanted to talk to me?" His voice sounded soft and soothing, just what I needed.

I pressed my back against the concrete wall behind me and slid down it. Kendall sat next to me and moved a section of hair that blew in the wind.

"I, I don't know if I want to have a boyfriend. James is everything I could ever ask, and we both know that." I paused to glance in his direction, he looked at me with such admiration. Never did it cross my mind that Kendall could have feelings for me, even after the kiss. But he has a girlfriend, and as of two minutes ago, I have a boyfriend.

"So then whats the problem?" His legs were pressed up against my own. The rough texture of his jeans ran over my skin coarsely. I quickly cursed my stylist for putting me in a skirt.

"The problem is is that I have to sing _Count on You_ with him, and a lot of my parts are in unison with his. The song is about trusting people and falling in love and I don't think that I can sing that with him, not yet." I take a glance at my surroundings. Kendall is comforting me as my boyfriend is inside like a sitting duck. I laugh at myself.

"I yelled at you, at the recording session." I stated. His moss green iris' shot up and stared into my blues. "I rubbed it in your face that I was with James and not you. Now that James and I are official I literally ran to your side out of fear. What does that make me?"

"It makes you a hormonal teenage girl." He said simply. I pushed him playfully as I laughed. "No seriously!" He laughed.

"Why are you here?" I inquired. The sounds of our laughs instantly died down. The look of seriousness returned in his face.

"Love can make you do some stupid things." Kendall replied. "Like the almond butter."

My face dropped. "That wasn't love that was jealousy." I corrected. He nodded in agreement.

"Okay maybe love _and_ jealousy." He wrapped his arm around me and pulled me into his chest. His cologne was a familiar smell as it filled my nostrils. I let out a sigh of comfort as my head lay against his chest. Hopefully, he didn't hear it. "But whatever you love me as, a friend, or more. I'm okay with it."

I felt his gaze on mine as I looked up. I pressed my lips against the soft skin of his cheek; and probably left it there longer then I should have.

"I do love you." I paused at the word. This is the first time I had admitted to loving somebody that wasn't in my family. There was only one person in my family I loved. And they lived back in England.

The sentence sent a shiver rolling down my spine. Did I love him as a friend or more? _Friend_. I told myself.

As I was debating with myself I felt the warmth of his body leave. I whined quietly, the comforting cologne left with it. Kendall's palm was held out to me when he was firmly on his feet. I took his hand and stood firmly on my wedge heels.

"We have a performance to do." Kendall said as he pulled back into the building. The beat to the song already started as our three band-mates stood up on the stage looking around. Kendall was being mic'd as my part was first. I quickly turned on the mic.

"_Now I'm about to give you my heart, but remember this one thing. I've never been in love before so you gotta go easy on me._" I sang as I made my way to the stage. The faces on stage lit up like a Christmas tree. Suddenly, Kendall ran up behind me and sung in my ear.

"_I heard love is dangerous._" He sung as he grabbed my hand. "_Once you fall you never get enough. But the thought of you leaving ain't so easy for me._" Our hands separated as we walked up either side of the stage.

The rest of the song went as planned and I didn't choke up during my parts with James. After _Good Morning America _we sat at a local cafe and pondered on what to do for the rest of the day.

I took a sip of my hot chocolate as James intertwined his fingers with mine. The morning was beautiful as we sat around the circular table and threw out possible venture ideas.

"We could go to the zoo!" Carlos suggested. We all exchanged uneasy glances as we shook our heads no.

"What about the planetarium! They have this new exhibit where–" Logan's rant was cut off by Carlos' head hitting the table with a thud. The rest of us burst out into laughter.

"How about, we go to cash my _first_ Roqcue Records paycheck and then go back to see Kendall's family. They haven't seen you guys since you left." I suggested.

"There is a _Bank of America_ just a few blocks down." said Logan.

"Well then lets go, I'll text my mom and give her the heads-up." Kendall voiced as he pulled out his cell phone. I pulled the sunglasses from the top of my head onto my face and stood as James left a tip for the waitress.

As we walked down the streets of Los Angeles I stayed close to James' side. I was beginning to feel comfortable with James. He held my hand and kissed me randomly which made me blush. All of a sudden I heard gagging noises coming from Carlos.

"You have a problem Carlos?" I laughed. He nodded as he motioned toward James and I . "Do you feel neglected ?"

"Yes! Yes I do!" He shouted. I smiled and let go of James' hand and jumped on his back.

"Piggy back ride!" I giggled. Carlos held the underside of my legs and ran down the street and into the bank. I hopped off his back as the customers and workers alike gave us strange glances.

Several awkward moments later the rest of our entourage appears through the clear double doors. I walked toward the first available clerk and handed her my check.

"Hi I would like to cash this check please." I smiled as I gave her my passport I.D . The clerk happily took it and typed quickly into the computer.

"Everybody on the ground!"

A quick popping noise filled the air as James pushed me onto the carpeted floor. I turn to look around, every person in the bank is on the ground as two men in black ski masks hold guns and knives.

"Where is she?" One man yells as the other scans the crowd, his eyes lock on mine. A sick smile formed on his face as he walked slowly towards me.

James gaze reverted between me and the man walking closer and closer towards us.

"Kate, what is it you aren't telling us. Why are these men here?" He ordered as his grip on my wrist tightened. My head just shook. I honestly didn't know.

"Hey! Hair! Shut up!" The other robber called as he clicked the bullet into place. I tried to swallow my fear as the man now stood directly above me.

"She's with her pop band." The masked-man said as he snatched my passport from the clerk. One thing I did notice is that he had an English accent, while his accomplice didn't.

"Is it her?" He asked. "Boys! Step away from her now unless you want to be shot!" The accomplice ordered as they obliged, I couldn't blame them. The accomplice pulled James into a head-lock and placed the gun to his head.

"No!" I screamed. Tears rolled down my face. "Don't hurt him!"

"Oh how hypocritical you are." The man above me stood and began to read my passport information out loud. "Kate Reid. Height Five foot six. Place of birth Great Britain. Place of residence Grand Rapids, Michigan. Yep, this is her."

Suddenly, as he threw the passport on my lap I associated his voice with a name.

"Jacob?" I asked.

"It's Jake!" He snapped as he took his mask off. His English accent cracked as he pulled me up the hem of my shirt.

"Wha-what are you doing?" I screamed as he through the gun back to his accomplice who I have yet to figure out.

"What am I doing? What are you doing! Do you have any idea what you've done?" He bellowed. His voice had gotten deeper since I'd last heard from him. Jake then got the athame and used it to pull the shirt up to expose my torso. Kendall tried to lunge toward me but his accomplice shot a bullet, that narrowly missed his skull and hit a painting on the wall. The rest of the customers in the bank let out a high-pitched scream.

"I have no idea what you're talking about!" I insisted, because I honestly didn't.

"Seth! Remember him? After you ran away to follow your dreams and shit guess who took a trip to England?" Jake's screams pricked spit on my face, I winced but refused to move. His athame pointed directly at my abdomen, I didn't want to risk anything.

"No, Seth came after me! He kidnapped me at a show in Michigan!" I corrected. Jake's shaggy auburn hair was damp with sweat and his blue eyes shot down at me like daggers.

"No, after he decided to pay some attention to Cleo. Remember Cleo?" He shouted. I nodded.

"Of course!" I shouted back, trying to match his tone.

_He went all the way to England to Dad? To Cleo? _

"My girlfriend! Your fifteen year old sister! He rapes her ! He beats her! He makes her cry and scream and fight for her life in hospitals because her wounds are that bad!" Jake's grip on my hair tightened as he pulled my face closer to his. He was nineteen, and dates my sister whose four years his junior.

"I didn't know he would go back to England! I haven't seen Cleo since the since I was seven! I video chat her every once and a while but I didn't know he was hurting her!"

"I'm going to make you pay. For all the pain you brought on Cleo. You're going to pay." His voice turned ice cold. The bankers were offering money if he would just release me, but money isn't what he wanted. He wanted revenge. He wanted blood.

The athame punctured my abdomen and I was released from his grip. I fell like a ton of bricks onto the floor. At first, I felt nothing. My hands grazed the sight of the wound and blood spilled out onto the floor and stained my hands. My body then began to shake as I felt a dull ache start to grow and spread. When Jake and his accomplice left, the boys ran to my side. Carlos dialed 911 as I felt a coppery liquid emerge from my esophagus and spill out from my mouth.

"Logan she's coughing up blood! Why is she coughing up blood?" James screamed as Kendall checked my pupils.

"She was most likely stabbed in the stomach the mouth is the quickest way to get the blood out." Logan said as he frantically checked my wound. "Does anybody have any black pepper?" Logan asked as he turned to the bankers and other hostages.

"Black pepper? What will black pepper do for her?" Kendall shouted as he elevated my head so I didn't choke on my own blood. Blood began to stain my hair and cover Kendall's hand.

"Black pepper will stop the flow of blood and absorb it. If we can stop the blood flow we may be able to control the amount of blood she looses." Logan said as an old woman came up to him with a purse full of packages of salt and pepper.

"Please, save that poor little girl!" She begged. Logan thanked her and began to rip the packages open and pour them on my wound.

The pain began to become unbearable as I screamed out, the last thing I remember was the burn of the pepper on my wound.

And then, black.

**AN: So what did you think? I know this chapter is short. I'm sorry ! But what did you think of it? I introduced two new charecters in Cleo and Jake and I would love to get your input. I know your probably thinking "How could Kate have a sister? She was never mentioned." And those answers will be given in chapter ten! **

– **Ketaura**

**P.S. The black pepper thing, I already knew. I didn't have to look it up. I guess for me knowing that black pepper absorbs and stops blood flow is just common knowledge. **


	10. Severed Ties and Shady Lives

**AN: Hey everybody ! I just wanted to say that I thank you for all the traffic on my story, it's been really crazy lately and it means so much to me that you read the story! I know this chapter is so late and I am kicking myself. School recently started back up and it's been hectic for me. Also, this chapter isn't short ! So it took me longer to write. As I enter double digits with the chapters expect the clouds of connections become clearer. **

**IN OTHER NEWS! If you read the entire story, at the bottom you will get a surprise. See you at the bottom!**

**Disclaimer:I don't own Big Time Rush. I only own the writing and the ideas from my head.**

**Chapter Ten: Severed Ties and Shady Lives.**

My eyes slowly adjusted to the familiar bright white walls that peered over me. I knew where I was, I was here every other day.

At this point I'm surprised that my mail isn't sent here, I'm in the hospital more then I'm at home or on the bus.

**-x-x-x-x-**

I used the ball of my palms to push myself to sit upright. The pain of my stitches swarmed through my body as I bravely winced at the ache. The events of the previous day played back and forth in my mind, and I pushed the thoughts out of my mind. I cracked my neck and as I did I caught a glimpse of a woman sitting next to my hospital bed flipping through an out-dated magazine. Her long red curls framed her face nicely and her blue eyes were intent on reading an article.

I didn't know how dry my lips were, until I ran my tongue over them. I opened my mouth to say something , but my throat was too parched. I outstretched my arm to reach the light pink pitcher on the night stand, but accidentally knocked it over.

Water flooded on the floor and my eyes grew wide. The woman picked up her purse and pitcher and simultaneously ran to the bathroom to get some paper towels. When she dabbed the floor I was able to croak out an apology.

"I'm sorry." I said, apply pressure to my aching throat. Her clear blue iris' quickly looked up at me.

"It's okay sweetie." She said as she pours some apple juice into a cup. "They brought this for you, while you were asleep."

My fingers wrapped around the plastic cup as I gave her a puzzled look. I pressed my lips to the jagged mouth of the cup and tilted it back into my throat. The lukewarm fruit juice tasted like heaven as it slid down my throat. I let out a slight moan and through my head back once the cup was empty. With a smile the woman took the cup out of my hand and placed it on the side table.

"Excuse me." I almost whispered. "Who are you?"

Her face lit up and cracked a sweet smile. "Oh honey, I'm Mrs. Knight. Kendall's mom."

My eyebrows furrowed together. "If your Kendall's mom..." My voice trailed. "Where is Kendall?"

Her expression instantly deflated. Her hand found a place on my leg, which was covered by the paper thin sheet of the hospital blanket. "Kate, you lost a lot of blood. You needed more blood then the hospital had, and they couldn't get more for a week because of your rare blood type."

I was following so far, but this didn't tell me where Kendall was. "O negative."

"Right." Mrs. Knight nodded. "If you didn't get your blood on time, you would've bled to death."

"But I didn't." I spoke calmly. "I mean, I'm conscious. I am conscious aren't I?"

She smiled a week smile. "Yes sweetie you are conscious. But luckily, Kendall had his dad's blood type, not mine."

"O negative?" I inquired. Her head nodded slowly.

"O negative."

"So, where is he? How much blood did he give me?" My face became heated and water began to blur my vision.

_No. Kate you will not cry, especially in front of Kendall's mom. _

I blinked back my tears as her hand removed itself from my leg, and the sudden warmth was replaced by cool air hitting the sheet, transferring to my skin.

"He gave you as much as you needed, Nobody else had a compatible blood type, So Kendall wasn't about to let you die. And I am proud of him for that." Her voice shook as I saw that her eyes were the ones that were welling up with tears. I wanted to lean over, and give her a hug. But with my stitches, I couldn't move far if I tried.

"How much blood did he give me?" I reiterated. Mrs. Knight used the back of her hand to wipe a tear and dabbed her face.

"Four pints." She simply stated. My jaw dropped.

"Four pints?" I shouted. The sudden gasp for breath hurt my incision, which was a nice way of putting it. Mrs. Knight's hands went up in an attempt to get me to calm down. When you donate blood, you only donate one pint. Kendall donated four times that, and it was dangerous to his health to do that.

"Kate I don't think you realize how seriously you needed blood." She mediated. My voice immediately calmed. "You needed six pints, and the hospital only had two. He did what was right. He's laying in a hospital bed and as soon as they get some more blood in, tomorrow he will get some. Kendall is a little woozy, but don't worry. He's going to be fine by tomorrow."

For the second time in five minutes I felt like I was going to cry. "Mrs. Knight I never ever would've asked that of Kendall I never would've wanted to put in him a hospital bed."

Her hand stroked the side of my face. I shut my eyes as her cool hand ran over my heated face. She had a mothers touch, which was a touch I greatly missed.

"I know, honey, trust me I know. I know you would never want to hurt Kendall or any of the boys."

My eyes quickly shot open. All this time I was pining over Kendall I didn't even notice my own boyfriend wasn't in the hospital room with me.

"Where are the boys? Carlos, James, Logan where are they?" I questioned as my breathing slowly returned to normal.

"They're with Kendall's sister, Katie. Getting her something to eat in the hospital Cafeteria."

I breathed a sigh of relief. James was here, James did care.

"Kate, honey, please take a nap. Get your energy back." She helped me slightly lean forward and fluffed my pillow for me.

_So this is what family did for one another._

I gently shut my eyes as I laid back down. My dreams swept me away, and I fell asleep with a smile on my face.

**-x-x-x-x-**

"Stop it your going to smother her!"

My ears were awake before the rest of my body. I determined that the voice came from Mrs. Knight and the whining voice that followed to be Katie's.

"She's fine she's not even conscious" Katie replied, setting the final bear in the crevice between my side and my arm.

The muscles in my arm convulsed a twitch as I cracked my eyes open. My eyes danced from bear to bear as what seemed like thousands of _get-well-soon_ bears were surrounding me.

"M-mama Knight?" I voiced as I tossed my body onto my back, and regretted it immediately. The pain from my stomach had dulled, but hadn't completely evaporated. I winced as I pulled my arms free of the chrysalis of blanket I was in.

_A chrysalis that Kendall's mom tucked you in. One filled with love._

Never did I think I'd be thinking those words. But Kendall's mom was a god-send for me. And after every obstacle he put in my way, it's about damn time he gave me something back in return.

"I know honey, James went a little crazy with the bears." She said as she leaned over me adjusting several stuffed bears that had a variety of injuries. Scanning the crowd I saw an array of broken legs and black eyes.

"James?" I inquired. As she moved a fairly larger bear out of my way and revealed a James Diamond who glanced sheepishly towards me. "James, you know flowers would've been just fine." I mustered up a laugh, which pulled on my stomach muscles. The wince in my face returned, a friend that will be visiting a lot for the next few days.

"I know, but, I saw them and I couldn't say no." James shrugged. "All thirty seven of them."

"Thirty seven?" I mouthed, words escaping me. "How much did that cost?"

"How much did it cost? That's not important! He made me carry the darn things! They doubled my height and made me temporarily blind." Katie whined. I shot a suspicious glance towards James.

"What? I had ten of them, they deserved special care." He motioned towards the ten that nearly engulfed my head.

"Awwwww. James." I felt the blood rush to my cheeks. James rose from his seat and placed a hand on my forehead.

"You deserve it."

My arms found a place behind his neck and pulled him down to my level. Our noses pressed together as he said "You will always deserve it."

James pressed his lips against mine and my body melted into his. His hand grazed the side of my face as a shiver rolled down my spine. My fingers were soon interlaced with strands of brown hair.

"Ew, child here." Katie reminded as James pulled away from my grasp, The sudden lunge of cool air entered my mouth where his was just pressed. James' cheeks was flushed as he ran a hand through his hair. A proud smile cracked on my face.

My attention was solely on the brunette in front of me, but the inharmonious sound of a door latching pulled my focus elsewhere.

"Kendall!" Mrs Knight hollered as she ran over to help her son. Aside from looking slightly pale he looked able-bodied, and felt that way too.

"Mom, I'm fine." He insisted as his eyes met mine. My legs swung over the side of the hospital bed and fell on the ice floor. Chills ran up my legs as I proceeded to shift my weight onto the floor. When I was firmly on my feet the pain from irritating my stitches waved through my torso. I hunched my back over and continued to make my way to Kendall. I was determined to get to him.

"Kate, lay down." He insisted as his arm found it's way along my back. I shook my head.

"I'm fine, I don't need to be on bed rest." The familiar wince graced my face again as I attempted to straighten out my back. That didn't happen.

"Seriously, Kate, lay down." Kendall said as he stood over me trying to lead me to the bed, I shook myself out of his grasp.

"No Kendall we need to talk." I said in a hushed tone. Every one who wasn't in earshot looked at each other in confusion. "You didn't have to do that for me. I would've gotten blood, you could've gone into a coma or worse."

"What you mean like you were?" He responded in a similar hushed tone. My eyes trailed away from his, knowing he was right. "You needed blood Kate. You got it. End of."

He tried to turn towards his sister, but my hand grasped his wrist. His skin was cold and clammy, which through me off.

Kendall's eyes pierced through my body. I swallowed a sense of fear and retracted my hand. He leaned down and whispered into my ear, "When I told you I loved you I meant it. I will not let you die."

My breathing slowed as his face receded away from mine. His face looked as stern as it did before, but looking into his eyes I could see a softness that wasn't there before. Before he said the words _"I love you" ._

I turned around fought my way back onto my bed. Mrs. Knight helped move the stuffed bears so I could get into my chamber. James gave me an uneasy look to what had just happened with Kendall.

As my eyes were fixated on James again, another click of the door pulled me away from my gaze.

"Kate." Carlos huffed in an out of breath tone. He and Logan stood with their palms on their knees gasping for air.

"Are you guys okay?" I questioned raising an eyebrow.

"We...called Gustavo." Logan stated. "Told him...everything."

"About the stabbing?" James chimed. The exasperated band mates nodded.

"He got...in touch with Cleo." Carlos mused as he took a sip from one of my water bottles on the side table.

"He did what?" I shouted. I hadn't even had the balls to call Cleo on her cellphone, or text message her. The only conversation we'd had in years had been over email or video chat.

"She's...on a plane. To LAX." Logan finished. Standing perfectly erect with his hands placed on his back. "We had to run here...her flight...got in... fifteen minutes ago. He called last night... after we called him straight after Kate... got to the hospital."

My mind reeled. Cleo? Coming to the states? The farthest she'd ever been out of England was Wales, and I wasn't even sure if that was a country.

"Wait, what are you saying." I said, trying to clarify what I'd been told.

"He wanted to protect her, and you." Carlos explained, finally having caught his breath. "She's coming on tour. Your going to meet your sister."

**-x-x-x-x-**

I refused to see my sister.

Correction, I refused to see her while I was in the hospital. The first time I see my sister in over ten years shouldn't be in a hospital bed.

Cleo arrived yesterday and I hadn't had any visitors, much to their dismay. Kendall was released late last night after being deemed of full health. The rest of the band was seeing to Cleo, she was bound to be shaken up from being torn from the only place she'd ever known as home. And sure as hell confused why I wouldn't see her.

"Doc, when can I leave?" I whined as he poked at my stitches. His hand was covered in a latex glove which felt completely unnatural against my skin. Then again stitches didn't exactly feel natural on my skin either, so I let it go.

"You've made a miraculous recovery, Kate." He stated as he wrote some illegible words on my progression sheet.

"Your a great doctor, Oliver." I smiled. Oliver had been popping in on me every two hours since I was crowd-free as he put it. His last name was Brayseck. But like I gave a damn.

"Don't call me Oliver."

"Don't call me Kate."

Oliver sighed to himself as he continued to jot down some things on a separate piece of paper, and looking over a few more. I raised my eyebrow as he flipped from page to page.

"You've made quite a few miraculous recoveries lately. Twenty-seven hospital trips in Michigan since the age of six?" This time it was his eyebrows who were on the move. I shrugged it off like it was nothing. I just wanted to get the hell out of here.

"I bruise easily."

"Stomach pumpings, stitches, the only planned surgery on here was your tonsil removal when you were twelve." He eyed me with an intense gaze. As if there were more to me then met the eye. Everything he was reading was true, I did have my stomach pumped about five times in my life and the gagging sensation is tough to fight when your eight. Mom never forgave me for ruining her favorite shoes.

"I bruise easily _and_ I am not a very smart girl. I jump off of things I'm not supposed to and eat things I know I shouldn't. Aren't my medical records supposed to be private?" I snapped.

"Yes but–"

"No buts! Doc I really want to get back to work. Please. I'm in here enough." Thee years of high school drama was about to pay off.

My eyes filled to the brim with tears as I put the back of my hand against my mouth. Oliver leaned forward to coddle me as I used my free hand to wave him away. "I'll be okay." I choked out. "Cleo is here, in California, and I won't have to wait another...eleven years to see her again." Fake tears streamed down my face and I took a shaky breath.

Oliver ran a hand through his balding hair. "Given, the circumstances." He started. My eyes were now puffed and I turned slightly to look at him. "Your blood levels are almost back to normal, the last pint your body can regenerate on it's own." He turned to me with a smile. "I'll release you. Your stomach is healing nicely but you _must_ lay off of the spicy foods and chew properly."

_Did this guy think I was that hungry all the time I didn't chew? Then again with all the crap food here the first burger I get my hands on will be crumbs in the matter of seconds._

I nodded. I'd agree to anything at this point. I hand bedsores rising on my lower back and thigh.

"You can't perform for the next ten days. No vocals. No anything. Being on the tour bus will be fine, as long as one of the older boys constantly checks on your stitches. Whatever town your in in ten days you go to get your stitches removed. Got it?"

I nodded eagerly. "Logan wants to be a doctor, he'll do it, and force me to go to a doctor, I promise." I assured.

Oliver nodded as he turned towards the door to get the release papers.

"Ms. Reid, Tell Cleo I say hello."

"Call me Kate."

**-x-x-x-x-**

Three hours later I was being helped up the steps to the tour bus to Cincinnati. Gustavo wanted the band to be on the road as soon as possible, time was money. Even though I couldn't perform, I would be able to sit on the side stage and cheer. That was an important job right?

"One more step." Logan informed as he assisted me up the steps. I had my jeans back on and a mid-drift top. The loose material didn't cling to my stomach, and well, it looked damn good.

When we reached the top of the stairs I froze, looking at the layout of the bus. Everything was exactly the same. The cereals were discombobulated on the counters, unmade bunks, and magazines varying from _Rolling Stones_ to _Guitar Edge Magazine._ This moving bus was home to me, and although it smelled like corn dogs and after shave, I wouldn't want it any other way.

As I basked in the glow of the trashed bus, as magazine was lowered to reveal a young girl. A young girl I knew as Cleo Reid.

"Cleo?" I asked in an exasperated tone. She immediately put the magazine next to the others and ran up and embraced me. She smelled like apples and cinnomen, completely different from the aroma of the bus, but a nice accent to my vanilla scent. Which even after a couple days in a ratty hospital bed I managed to smell like a vanilla bean stick.

"Kate! I thought it would be bloody ages since I'd see you again!" Her English accent was as prominent as her brown curls that fell just above her breasts. Her eyes were hazel with dominant gold specks as a result for a non-dominant gene in her conception. Her skin was fairly pale from not getting much sun back in Britain, but then again so was mine. Days of sunshine was rare in Michigan aswell.

"I, I just can't believe you're here." This time my eyes began to prick with real tears. I ran palms over both sides of her face.

"Stop it you! You're going to make me a right mess you are." Cleo laughed as she whiped tears from her own mess. The boys looked at each other puzzled. Jake had a british accent, and I accidentally slipped into mine a few times. But Cleo's was dominant and used more slang words then they're used to. I had a feeling I'd be playing translator for awhile.

Aside from my pale features and her dark, we _looked _like we were sisters. Her facial structure was similar to mine, her cheekbones were high and her shoulders were flat. Even the way she stood was like me. Well, given when I'm not hunched over from her boyfriends psycho stabbing.

The thought of the stabbing gave me chills, and I began to sway as my knees began to give way.

"Kate!" James shouted as he caught my frail body. "Baby are you okay?"

I craned my neck to look at him behind me, I nodded in response. The simple touch of him made me feel better. It didn't matter with what part of the body it was, it was always comforting.

"Here, sit down." Cleo insisted as she pushed aside some magazines off the sofa.

My muscles relaxed as the weight of my body released under my feet. I let out a sigh of relief as the bus started to move. I pulled up my mid-drift top to expose my stitches, and to show Cleo just exactly what Jake had done to me.

"Logan can you get me a cold rag to clean it with?" I questioned politely. He nodded and insisted on doing himself. As Logan crouched infront of me I sucked air through my teeth. The rough texture of the rag didn't glide very well on my wounds.

"I'm sorry, Kate." He said as Kendall shot an uneasy glance in my direction. His face had regained most of it's color since the last time I saw him, but I didn't have time to worry about our relationship right now. I have my sister sitting next to me, who I haven't seen since I was, oh, six?

"J-Jake did that?" She stuttered as her face wore a look of horror. I followed her gaze to the wound Logan was cleaning. I nodded again, figuring it would be better then answering her verbally.

_Yeah, your psycho boyfriend stabbed me like I was a beach ball. _

"I, I broke up with him." Cleo announced. I my neck snapped around so fast I could've sworn I had whiplash.

"Cleo you've been dating since primary school." I reminded her. The boys exchanged a perplexed glance as I rolled my eyes. "Elementary school." I clarified.

"Ohhh." They said in unison. I shook my head as I turned to look back at Cleo.

"I know, but he tried to _kill_ you Kate. If he loved me he wouldn't of even laid a finger on you. Eve though we were separated when we were babs I would never date anybody who would fly thousands of miles to intentionally hurt you. Stupid bloke." Cleo twisted her body to look at the guys who were looking like deer in headlights for the third time in five minutes. "Bab or baba means young child. Bloke refers to a male."

"Ohhh." They repeated. Cleo and I shook our heads at each other.

The rest of the night went smoothly. Cleo and I got to know each other and the boys a bit more as we played a _get to know the people your stuck on a moving bus with_ game. An unofficial game, but still a game.

Towards the end of the game Cleo went to the bathroom to change into her pajamas. I slowly made my way to my bed to retrieve my sleeping clothes. By the time I walked past the bathroom door I heard Cleo's voice, talking to another voice.

"Yes, I did everything you said." Cleo said. I pressed my ear up against the door to get a better listen. "You said you wouldn't hurt her if I did what you said. You can't go back on your word!."

There was a pause.

"Yes, Jo will be at the concert in Cincinnati. But I don't see what that has to do –"

There was another pause.

"Oh, I see. Yes, I will make sure Jo gets the serum. Alright. I'll call you shortly before we arrive at the venue."

And then, I heard something I never thought I'd ever hear.

"Bye, Seth."

**AN: Well, what did you think? I was considering cutting this chapter down two scenes but now I'm glad I didn't. What do you guys think Cleo's plan is? Her motive? Tell me in the reviews!**

**I promise you guys a surprise and here it is! I'm sure the name StainedRosePetal doesn't shock you. She's been mentioned in several of my chapters. And guess what? We're writing a story together! Yes a full-fledged story. It's on our co-authored account called _StainedVanity_ and the story is called _Behind Closed Doors._ Two chapters are currently up and I would _love_ it if you guys would give a quick read to them! **

– **Ketaura. **


	11. Family Values

**A/N: Hey guys! I'm **_**so**_** sorry for the lateness of this chapter. I haven't updating in over a month but in that month I went two weeks with no internet, and I know it's no excuse but here is the next chapter and I know it won't let you down! Chapters will be updated regularly from now on.**

**Disclaimer:I don't own Big Time Rush. I only own the writing and the ideas from my head.**

Chapter Eleven: Family Values

Sleeping was near impossible. I couldn't seem to get comfortable.

I mean, when your long-semi-lost sister shows up after her psycho boyfriend stabs you and then you find out she's working with the same person who tortured you since birth to hurt you, you should sleep well. Right?

**-x-x-x-x- **

Wrong.

I finally realized that I would never fall back into a tranquil sleep, and gazed over at the time to see how long it took me to forfeit. "5:43" I muttered as I pulled the sheet back to take a glance at my sleeping band mates.

The bus ran dark, the only illumination coming from the rising sun and streetlights from the windows. It was clear I was the only person awake.

I groaned as I slugged myself to the bathroom to clean my stitches. I spritzed cleaning alcohol on an ear cleaner and gently weaved it between the laces of my stitches. After my cleaning regiment was done, varying from stitches to face to teeth, I sat back on my bed.

Suddenly, a ray of light shined on the lock of my guitar case. I pulled the case out from between the bed and the wall and laid it on the bed. My fingers ran over the hard-shell case and flipped the lock open.

I hadn't played this guitar since my auditions with Big Time Rush, and suddenly I had inspiration for a new song.

I pulled the acoustic out of the case and placed it gently on my lap. Hunching over to play spread a dull pain through my torso, but I had to strum. It's been too long since I've played.

"_If I die young, bury me in satin._" I sang as the strums seemed to follow. "_Lay me down in a bed of roses. Sink me in the river, at dawn. Send me away with the words of a love song._" I smiled as I quickly wrote the lyrics and chords on a blank sheet of music paper I kept in the guitar case.

Leaning back over I sang the lines again, wearing a huge smile on my face. I heard a rustle of bed sheets and I immediately put the guitar back into the case. I saw a blonde head emerge from the darkness.

"You know, you really shouldn't be singing about dying." Kendall says as he rolls out of his bunk and moves to the coffee machine. "It's very" He paused, as if he was trying to find the right word. "Cryptic. To say the least."

"You know how many people are out to kill me? At least this way people will know what I want." I almost whispered. The image flashed back in my mind of Cleo assisting in my demise. My eyes quickly scanned the room for her, and found her asleep on the couch of the bus. Relieved, I released a breath I wasn't aware I was holding.

Kendall walked over and placed himself next to me on my bed. A mug of coffee was transferred into my hand and I smiled up at him. I pressed my mouth against the cool ceramic mug as the hot liquid slid down my throat. I quickly pondered how Kendall knew how to make my coffee, but quickly dismissed the idea. Living with a person for almost three weeks, you pick up on certain things.

"You want to be laid on a bed of roses?" He inquired as he picked up the music sheet.

_Shit._

"How long were you listening to me sing?" I took another sip of his godly coffee. The hospital coffee tasted like dirt, so I was intent on enjoying every last ounce.

"Probably since you picked up your guitar case. Why haven't you been playing?" He shrugged. I couldn't help stare at him for a couple of seconds. His hair was still shaggy from sleeping and his voice was slightly scratchy from just waking up. After a couple of seconds of shared silence between us I shook myself free of his mental grasp.

"I don't know. Maybe because of work, and running from people trying to hurt me. I hadn't really gotten inspired to play, until now." A small smile crept up on my face.

"You got inspired with a song that's first lines are _'If I die young' ?_ Seth isn't going to touch you, we've established this." He reassured. Kendall didn't know about Jo's threats, or Cleo's tag team. I figured it wasn't the time to tell him. Considering he was still in a relationship with one of them.

"Hey, It's a good first verse. Possibly a chorus." I argued. He nodded his head agreeably.

"You're right. Lets see if I can add something onto that." Kendall proposed as he pulled my guitar back out of it's case. I leaned back on my palms as he leaned over and picked up a guitar pick. His gaze landed on me for a good couple seconds, studying me to let the lyrics come to him.

"_And I'll be wearing white, when I come to your kingdom. I'm as green as the ring on my little cold finger._" His vocals and strums went perfectly. I couldn't help myself by being lost in him again. "_I've never known the lovin' of a man. But it sure felt nice nice when he was holding my hand. There's a boy in town who says he'll love me forever, who would've thought that forever would be severed by, the sharp knife of a short life. Well, I've had just enough time._"

My mouth was gaping open. "Way to insert yourself into my death song." I giggled. He shrugged.

"I couldn't help myself." Kendall said as he scrawls the lyrics and chords on the sheet of paper.

"First off, I have had the _lovin' of a man, _but I'll let it slide." His smile faded slightly. I wasn't sure what made it fade, the idea of Seth, or the idea of James. On a lighter note. I tried to get off the subject. "How did you come up with all that, so fast? And how come you never told me you could play?" I eyed him. Again, a shrug was given. Barely looking up from the sheet of music.

"Natural talent, and you never asked." He handed me to sheet of music. "Music just comes easily to me."

"Okay, that's not fair. It takes me ages and it's five in the morning and you just belt out an entire verse of a song. With chords to match. I'm mad." I state. Kendall looks at me like I just ran off the deep end.

"It's not my fault I'm musically talented." He raises his arms in surrender. I roll my eyes at him.

"Very nonchalant Kendall Knight." I say as I grab my guitar back.

"Testy this morning are we?" He raises an eyebrow. I let out a small giggle.

"No, I just didn't get much sleep. Things on my mind." I shrug.

"Like?" He questions.

_Lets find out if he knows anything of Seth's master plan._

"Do you know that Jo is going to be at the show tonight?" I ask. His face lit up, but not with delight. With surprise.

"No, Kate I didn't. She should be filming her show." He pulled out his phone to see if he had any missed calls or text messages. When the screen popped up with a zero he seemed as confused as I was.

"Well, I'm sure she's trying to surprise you." I inquire. He nods as he runs a hand through his scruffy hair.

"I'm sure that's it." He nodded. Suddenly, the air grew thick with tension. I wasn't paying much attention due to the fact I had to think of ways to avoid any _serums_ given to me tonight.

_What are they planning on doing to me?_

"Oh, Kate one more thing." Kendall said as he stood up. I craned my neck to look up his figure.

"What's that?"

"That last line, '_I've had just enough time'. _I don't agree with. If you die young, so will I."

And then he disappeared down the column of the bus.

**-x-x-x-x- **

After Kendall left, my head fell back onto the plush, white pillow. The coffee's effects lazily drowned into my system as the caffeine dissolved into nothing. My dreams were preparing themselves to betray me, once again. My eyes rolled backwards and a light snore aroused in my throat.

"_When looking for signs of child abuse be aware of the body language of the child and the behavior. How they interact with other children can be the key of spotting an abused child" Mrs. Perkins lectured as I leisurely scribbled notes into my notebook. The manuscript started to turn into cursive as the lecture continued._

"_I don't even know why I took this class." I muttered as I raised my head from my desk. Mrs. Perkins' eyes met mine and I quickly turned my gaze toward my dark gray sleeve. The oversized jacket wasn't the least bit flattering; but neither was my two-sizes-two-big black sweat pants. _

_Mrs. Perkins was the Early Childhood Education teacher and worked at the school's day-care center. Ever since I started her class she gave me an uneasy glance, questioning my place in her class. I signed up for it as an easy A, but with the topic being abuse, I regretted my decision and rued for the day where I could sign up for PE instead._

_As the bell rang to let out the day, I slid my folder and notebook off the desk and sloppily placed them into my army tote._

"_Kate, can you stay after class for a second?" Mrs. Perkins requested as I stood from my desk and made my way to hers. _

"_Sure, what is it Mrs. Perkins?" I clutched the strap to my bag as I awaited her response. Seth needed me home. Seth needed his after-school fix._

"_How are you doing with..." Her voice trailed as she pressed her bright pink lips together. " - the curriculum?" She finally finished, as if it stung her throat to say the words. _

_I shrugged my shoulders. "Fine." _

"_A lot of the signs we've been talking about in class I see with you. Oversized clothing, a disconnect from the class, I don't think I've ever seen your collarbone." _

_I protectively touched my collarbone. We couldn't be talking about this. I physically couldn't be talking about this. I took a glance to the wall clock that read 3:04. Seth needed me by 3:30, otherwise …_

"_Where is this going? I have somewhere to be." It wasn't a lie. I did have a place to go, and at this point. I would be anywhere but here having an awkward conversation with my Early Childhood Education teacher. _

"_I have a high theory that you are being abused. Are you?" _

_The metal choker around my neck tightened as the speaker let out a light beep. The LED light flickered from red to green, and the metal enclosed around my throat. "I'm..not...being abused." I choked out, praying it was loud enough for the sensor to hear. _

_Suddenly the pressure around my neck released and my lungs filled with oxygen. _

_Mrs. Perkins eyed me suspiciously, but she couldn't of guessed what really was happening. I mean, the odds of her running into another student with a voice activated choker were slim to none. It was Seth's messed up way of making sure I would never confess, and if I didn't wear it. He knew._

"_Would you mind if you removed your jacket? Just so I can be sure." Mrs. Perkins inquired. I slowly nodded and unzipped my jacket. I threw the discarded clothing to the desk behind me and stood with my hand clasping my wrist. _

_I felt as if I was on display for the entire world to see, when in reality I was only stood in a blue tank and my sweat pants. My arms were light and frail, but untouched. Again, she nodded and swayed. _

"_Alright. You can go." She dismissed. I thanked her for her concern and ran out the building, checking the time on my phone. 3:16. _

_"Shit." I muttered as I jogged down the street to my house. _

_As soon as I walked through the door Seth demanded a change of clothes. I abided and ran up the stairs to my room. _

_I paused as the full length mirror stood in front of me. I swallowed the pain in my throat as I grabbed the lingerie Seth loved, my eyes never leaving the trance of my reflected gaze. _

_I stripped the all the clothes from my body revealing a circa of bruises and lacerations trailing the span of my legs and torso. I pressed my finger into the multicolored skin. The scabbed over gashes and sliced flesh littered my body. I raised my arm and followed a cut that flowed from my ribs to the side of my back. _

_As I leaned down to put on the panties, another cut stood out to me. One that took up the entire length of my calf. I slipped the panties on and took another glance at myself in the mirror._

"_If only you knew where to look." I whispered as I laced up the corset. "Then maybe, Mrs. Perkins, you could have saved me." _

_With one swift movement of releasing my hair from the confines of my ponytail, I walked into Seth's bedroom._

**-x-x-x-x- **

I sat up, out of a pool of my own cold sweats, and rubbed my forehead.

_It was only a dream_.

But why did that memory come back to haunt me? Why now?

I pushed the thoughts out of my mind and hesitantly untangled myself from the covers of my bed. My eyes darted from the covers to the guitar case that was shut on the other side of the bed.

_How did the guitar get back in its case? How did the blankets get on top of me?_

Questions flooded my brain and not enough answers were provided.

"It's too early for this." I grunted as I finally managed to untangle myself from the god-forsaken sheets and arrived in the hallway.

"Hey, Kate. How's your cut doing?" Logan greeted as he peered up from a medical magazine that looked like it had all of eleven subscribers. I shrugged.

"I forgot I had a cut, so that's a good sign." I said poking at the stitches through my shirt. My eyes were still slightly glazed over as my attention span darted from one subject to another. Cleo was still asleep on the couch, the coffee pot was boiling, and the bus was in a major need of a cleaning crew. Before I could ponder the thought further two muscular arms gingerly made their way around my waist, careful of my stitches, from behind and I turned my head to see a very scruffy bed head.

"Morning beautiful." He whispered as his warm lips pressed against the clammy skin of my cheek.

"Morning, James." I responded.

_It was still morning?_

My gaze darted around the room for the trusty wall-clock. 10:58. In deed, Mr. Diamond. It was still morning.

"Ah, no touching." Logan said as he pulled James' arms free of my waist. James' eyebrows arched as Logan pointed his finger in the air, ready to give a full explanation.

"I need to clean her wounds three times a day. Morning, Noon, and Night. Kate, lay down please." He motioned towards the booth. I bit my tongue and lay on the booth. Regardless if I'd cleaned the wound when I _first_ woke up at five, it's been almost six hours since then. Let the boy clean my wounds.

As the antiseptic slowly burned its way through to my veins, which was insisted as a sign of killing germs, I noticed Cleo stir. The couch couldn't be the most comfortable place to sleep.

With a groggy rub of her eyelids, Cleo rose from her chamber of blankets. Brown hair were entangled amongst themselves and spew out in all directions.

_That's one thing we that must run in the family. We have major bed heads. _

My mind instantly snapped back into reality.

_She's planning to hurt you! Stop thinking of her in a loving way!_

But I couldn't help it. I pined for my sister. The ten-year old girl that I used to video chat with that had her primary school uniform on and her hair braided in two pig tails. However, the reality of that faded away once I heard her talking to Seth. She was no longer my baby-sister who could do no wrong. She was a girl who could make her own decisions, and decided to hurt her only sister. I had to think of her like I thought of Jo. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.

Either way, I had to get information out of her.

"Morning, Cleo." I said, trying too hard to sound happy and chipper.

I got a stifled groan for a response followed almost immediately by a pillow to the head. The boys let out a soft chuckle to the action.

"It's going to be a long drive." I whispered under my breath.

**-x-x-x-x-**

Once we arrived in Cincinnati, they ushered us into the first hotel they saw. The production staff claimed it was too much a risk with my condition and Cleo's liability to keep us on the bus for the night. Paparazzi bulbs flashed in an array of bright white lights around us as security guards kept their arms extended for a better control.

The shouts of the paparazzi were muffled by the demands of the security guards. I picked up scattered tid-bits of information as we walked further into the building.

"Kate, how is your stomach? Did your sister stage the attack?" "James, how do you feel about your girlfriend being provoked by an illegal immigrant?" "Kendall, did you really carry her five miles to the hospital?"

The voices faded into a light buzz as the elevator door shut.

"Those questions get more and more interesting every time we get off the bus." Carlos stated as the elevator brought us up. The security guard handed our hotel keys to one another and we learned our roommates.

"Yeah, you weren't the one being asked how I feel about Kate being attacked. Do they expect me to turn around and say 'I thought it was awesome' ?" James said spitefully. The color of his key card matched up with Logan's.

"James, it's the paparazzi what are you going to do?" Kendall responded as his key was placed in his hand. His was a deep red, which was the same color as Carlos.

Leaving me to room with Cleo.

I probably should've seen it coming. We were the only two girls, and we were sisters. However, a sense of fear rolled down my spine as a light pink card was handed to me. I forced a broken smile and looked over to Cleo, who hadn't looked at me since the pillow-throw earlier this morning.

"Oh hush, Kendall. The worst you were accused of was an act of chivalry. I think you will live." James snapped. I squeezed his hand in an attempt for him to calm down.

Kendall scratched his eyebrow with his thumb and stayed silent the rest of the ride up, as did the rest of us. Our rooms were aligned in a row on the twelfth floor. James and Logan's room were first, followed by Kendall and Carlos, and lastly Cleo and I.

As Cleo placed her bag on one of the twin beds, I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe things at home were rough, rougher then the grounds of my untimely departure over ten years ago. I was definitely going to find out.

"Hey, Cleo?" I asked, half cocking my head to look at her. Her eyes quickly ran over my body but didn't connect with my eyes.

"Yeah?" She responded, pulling last minute packed clothes out of her duffel and neatly placing them in the drawers. We'd only be staying a night, but it looked like the hatred for suitcase-living was hereditary.

"How's Dad? With work? The Mi5?" Deciding to piece together the incomplete sentences my stutter just produced, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. "How's Dad working with the Mi5?".

Her head jerked up, causing her hair to bounce with the movement. "You know we can't talk about that."

"I know." I admitted. "It's dangerous. But Cleo we're not in England anymore. You can talk about it here."

She sighed and took the initiative to sit on my bed.

_This is good. She's going to open up._

"Dad is always at work. He's never at home anymore. Sherry takes care of me mostly, and whenever I would ask about Dad she would hush me up." Sherry was the nanny Dad hired a week before we left. I could still remember her scent of apple and cinnamon. Cleo's hands were placed awkwardly on top of one another. I sat next to her, making the old bed let out a groan of protest, and, metaphorically put on my listening ears.

"What is America's equivalent to Mi5?" Cleo questioned, furrowing her brown eyebrows together.

"CIA." I answered cleanly. "The American equivalent is the CIA."

"Right, so with the Mi, Dad is always gone. He's been mentioning you, you know."

The shock was apparent on my face. "Me? Why me?"

"Some rambles about how he hopes you're prepared. We've been watching you since you started touring." She confessed, hanging her head in shame like she'd read my diary.

"Dad sent agents after me?" I ran a hand through my hair, trying to hide the sheer terror of what he must have found out.

_The pictures. The pictures of James and I at the studio. The man who gave them to Good Morning America must have worked for Dad._

"Something about you should be ready for what's coming. So he's been keeping a close watch on you, with the tour you've been easy to track, your times and places are all dated."

"Well if he's been trying to protect me he's done a shit job." I said flatly. Since I started on tour I'd received death threats, intentional allergic reactions, and a stabbing in a public place.

Cleo just shook her head in what seemed to be agony. The emotion was wiped from her face so fast I couldn't identify it. "He's been keeping such close tabs on you at work, he's never home."

_Is that why Cleo wanted to get rid of me? To be Daddy's Little Girl again?_

"Why would he start caring now? He hasn't contacted me in bloody ages." Being around my sister helped my accent pick back up, but there was something more troubling to this equation. There were puzzle pieces that just didn't fit together, no matter how hard you would hit the edges.

"Dad said you were in some trouble, and danger. Dangerous trouble." Her hazel iris' shone into my blue's for the first time that entire day. A glass of liquid welled up in eyes and her completion turned red. I only nodded in agreement.

"Yeah–" I started, I was cut off before I could even ponder the next word in my head.

"No. You are in more trouble then you know, big sister. Watch your back. I didn't fly a thousand miles to watch you get killed."

**-x-x-x-x-**

Three quarters of the way through the concert, nothing had happened. Jo "surprised" Kendall, who did an excellent job pretending he had no idea, and she was happily bouncing along to the music next to me.

Every minute or so I would do a quick check of my surroundings, and the only thing that changed was the scuffle of the backstage hands at work.

"They're tearing it up aren't they?" Jo yelled over the music. I casually nodded. She took this happily and let out a banshee like scream once the song was over. The arena went wild and clapped with unconditional joy. I felt a forced smile quirk on my face as I clapped along with the crowd.

"Here you go!" Cleo boasted as she handed Jo and I two plastic cups of red punch. Her hair was pulled back into a pony tail and she proudly wore he _Backstage VIP_ pass around her casual yet preppy dress. Jo took the cup and thanked her before taking a sip. I did the same except my punch found its way into the plant next to me.

"It's so cool to be out with the girls. I was never allowed out back home." Cleo continued. Jo shot a confused look her way.

"Why not?" Jo questioned as she took another sip from her cup. The slow instrumental tune to _Nothing Even Matters_ played in the background.

The finale song.

_The concert is almost over, and your alive!_

I had to remind myself there was still approximately eighteen minutes before we would leave the arena, and a couple of hours before we would all be tucked away in our hotel beds. Sleeping with one eye open was a trait I had acquired a long time ago, and would put into use tonight.

"Dad has friends everywhere. I couldn't do anything remotely close to this without being swooped away and back to the bloody hell hole we call a house." She sipped her own red cup with this comment. Jo nodded.

"I know what that's like." Jo responded and sipped the last of her punch with a throwback chug. I winced at the memory of her drinking in Vegas, at my birthday party. If a party is what you could call it.

Cleo checked her watch anxiously and said "I'm going to the little girls room."

"Okay." Jo and I said in harmony and turned our attention back to our boyfriends on the stage. My attention immediately went to James. The way he came alive on stage and smiled a genuine smile made my heart flutter. He flipped his hair out of his eyes and some stuck to his forehead with sweat. When I arrived I only wanted to go on the stage and sing, now I only wanted to go on the stage and sing with him.

A cold hand was situated on my shoulder and snapped me out of my haze. I whirled around to find the beholder of that hand to be Jo, whose face were pale and eyes were clamped shut.

"Jo, Jo whats wrong?" My alarm shifted into concern as she wobbled in place like she was on a small boat. I placed a hand on her face which felt as if she was in a meat locker.

"I don't know. I feel...I feel..." She stammered. Jo tried to open her eyes but they were only ajar for a millisecond before they shut again.

"What do you feel Jo? Speak to me!" I was becoming desperate as my the contents of my stomach started to churn.

And then, with a thud, she fell.

The boys who were almost done with their song, turned at looked at Jo's body on the floor of the side-stage, and the music was cut. Kendall ran to her side as I knelt down next to her despite the cry of protest from my stitches.

Kendall pressed two fingers to the inside of her elbow as I pressed my palm against her chest checking for a breath, a pulse, something. My eyes slid from her chest to the cup that spilled from her grasp and was now by my knee. I lifted it and traced my fingers on the inside of the cup. Instead of it being a deep red residue it was light pink, like the color of a white shirt after going threw a wash with a red sock.

"She's not breathing..." I dictated after several seconds of her chest staying in the same position of when she fell.

"She has no pulse." Kendall said in a small voice, fighting off tears as he retracted his arm as if her skin burned him.

Kendall's eyes turned to mine, a burn of tears welled up in my own looking at him, his eyes seemed to search mine for an answer. The answer wasn't one I wanted to give.

"She's dead." I announced, Kendall stood up and ran past the boys and into the bathroom. I motioned for the three of them to follow him as the EMT's were now around Jo's lifeless body and confirmed what I had told Kendall.

Cleo stood across the room, staring at me with a the same lifeless expression Jo's face bared.

As I examined her face for seconds longer, a sense of realization hit me.

_The serum was never intended for you. The serum was intended for Jo. _

"And now Jo is dead." I muttered as her body was placed on a stretcher, zipped up, and was officially announced _Dead on Arrival._

**A/N: I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Please _Review_ and tell me what you thought. Reviews are a great way for me to get your input and I always feel a bit of joy when I read them so please, Review! **

**Ketaura**

**OH! And P.S. The song that Kate & Kendall "wrote" is If I Die Young by The Band Perry. I thought the song fit well in with the story and I don't claim to of written the song.**


	12. The Breaking Point

**A/N: This chapter is a little late but school as been _crazy_. This chapter was also very hard for me to put in the right words, so it came across right to you guys. So I hope you enjoy, talk to you down there! **

**Disclaimer:I don't own Big Time Rush. I only own the writing and the ideas from my head.**

Chapter Twelve: The Breaking Point

The air around me was filled with tension, and I glance around from face to face; all wearing the same sad expression.

I squeezed James' hand for reassurance as the coffin was lowered into the ground. "This is it." He muttered.

**-x-x-x-x-**

Shortly after the funeral was over, the sea of black slowly dispersed in opposite directions. The short black dress and cardigan didn't keep me warm, and the lace leggings itched my thighs. The cool late September air had me clinging to the side of James Diamond as his words played back in my head.

_This is it._

Sorrow flushed over me. What had Jo actually done to me? She threatened me, of course. But no actual violent act was made. Empty threats didn't entitle her to death. Even towards the end of her life she tried to make amends with me. She didn't deserve to die at 21. I'm sorry, I don't think of 11 years old as middle-aged.

The real threat was my own flesh and blood. "Isn't it always?" a condescending town in the back of my head muses.

My eyes never found Cleo's during the service, and a part of me wonders if she put that serum in my drink as well.

"_You are in more trouble then you know, big sister. Watch your back. I didn't fly a thousand miles to watch you get killed.__"_

Her voice, as did my own, rung in the back of my head. I winced as a flash of sunlight beamed into my eyes, and then realized it was a paparazzo's camera. The annoying presence of a camera in my face hasn't been a rare occurrence, not since Jo's fatality. Sure, there were occasional snaps of me doing something completely useless but perfect for a magazine; but nothing other then that.

James ushered me into the sleek black limousine as I peeled the round black shades from my face. The rest of the band, along with Kendall's mom and sister, climbed in behind me. I slid across the cool leather interior to the end of the seating. A discarded paper from two weeks prior was face up with bold words reading "_21 year old New-Town High actress, Jo Taylor, dead from a methadone overdose._"

I remembered reading this article for the first time. It claimed that Jo died from methadone, a heroine substitute being poured into her fruit punch. A lethal dosage was given and she slipped into a coma before hitting her head so hard on the floor she died on site. I tried to hide the article from Kendall, who eventually found it stuffed behind the mini fridge in the bus. His reaction was the same as it's been since her death, non-existent. It was like talking to a brick wall morning, noon, and night. If we played a game of poker he'd be the hardest to beat. But every once and awhile, pain would flash on his face and disappear just as quickly as it came.

The autopsy report confirmed what the article had said and that day I got my stitches taken out alone. Kendall agreed to take me before hand but seeing her smiling face on the dull gray paper hit a nerve for him, and he didn't leave the chambers of his bunk until the next morning.

Glimpsing over to Kendall now I see his flustered cheeks have been recently dampened and the gold in his eyes has dulled. He sniffles as Mama Knight reaches over and rubs his shoulder in an attempt for some kind of compensation. Feeling as if I've intruded on a personal family moment, I retract my gaze. I hide the newspaper behind my back.

_Who would've brought that to Jo's funeral?_

I don't let my mind wander too far because the reason we're here is sitting right in front of me. Cleo looks at her lap as James pulls me into him. I can't help myself but to look at her as the familiar scent of James' cologne fills my nostrils. I let my eyes relax as I slowly begin to realize she wont return my gaze. She wouldn't try anything in a moving car filled with people, but then again Jo died with thousands of people around her. Five other people should seem like a breeze to Cleo.

But Cleo isn't the mastermind behind all this.

Cleo never was, she was only doing what she was told.

But what could Seth have promised her to make her go as far as kill another human being? More questions I didn't have the answer too.

"So girls, where are you staying while in LA?" asks Mama Knight. I shrug my shoulders. I hadn't really given it much thought, but since we we're taking a few days off to "recover" from the tragic loss of our friend, I had to find a place to stay.

"Cleo and I could rent a motel until Wednesday I suppose." I say nonchalantly. Money was tight on my end, with hospital bills and not being able to work, my money was running thin. Cleo's was too, I suppose Dad didn't sponsor her solo vacation.

"Nonsense! We already have so many people staying in our apartment, what is two more? You and Cleo can sleep on the couch! As long as you pair–" She motioned toward James and I " – don't sneak into bed together, I don't see why there would be a problem."

My eyes grew wide for a millisecond before I nodded compliantly. "Of course, Mrs Knight. Thank you."

**-x-x-x-x-**

"Are you two comfy?" Mama Knight questions happily as she stands back and takes a look at her latest masterpiece. It took her two hours to find all the extra bedding, but at eleven at night, I just wanted to sleep. Cleo and I nod forcefully as she smiles and crosses her arms over her chest. Cleo and I are bundled from the neck down in blankets and duvets. We resemble somewhat of a chrysalis, but I'm afraid this one will never break.

Mama Knight wishes us a goodnight as she flips the switch and all the light in the room shuts off. It's meant to be cold tonight, which is why the blankets were tucked in so tight. California is used to having cool nights and warm days, but a temperature as low as 52 degrease on a September night is strictly unheard of .

I didn't have the heart to tell Mama Knight that Cleo being from England, and I being from Michigan that we have had our fair share of cold nights. She rambled on and on about how she used to do this for the boys back in Minnesota when they were really young during their sleepovers in the winter months.

The idea soothed me and soon I was asleep, with the idea of sugar guns dancing in my head.

**-x-x-x-x-**

"Kate, Kate wake up."

My eyes blurred into focus as I look up to see Kendall standing over me. His eyes not as red as earlier, but bloodshot still. Hair messy from bed and sweat pricked against his skin. I craned my neck to see the florescent red numbers _3:21 _printed on the digital clock.

"Kendall?" I mutter. My voice raspy and weak, I push myself up on the balls of my hands and then rub my eyes again to make sure I wasn't imagining things.

Nope, still there.

"Are you okay?" I say in a small voice. He shakes his head as he begins to untangle me from the entrapment his mother put me in.

"Will you come for a walk with me?" Kendall answers my question with a question. I watch his hands glide across the fabrics and then back up to his face which is steadily engrossed in freeing me.

"It's 50 degrease outside." I say.

"48." He corrects. "And I brought you a sweater."

**-x-x-x-x-**

As I exhale the air condenses and turns white. The tops of my ears began to loose their coloration as the longer we walked to what seemed to be nowhere. The expression on Kendall's face was unreadable, but there was a glimmer of the same expression he's worn for weeks. Pain.

I clasped my hands tightly together in the kangaroo pocket of Kendall's sweater. After a few minutes of walking into the night we arrived at a park. The metal park bench had a vine design, twisting and turning the metal in all different directions. Kendall and I sat as he tugged at the cuffs of his jacket, looking out into the park. I mimicked his gaze and saw how beautiful the park looked this late at night, the streetlights illuminating the foliage and not a single bird or bug awake.

"Thanks for walking out here with me. I'm sorry it had to be so late." blurted Kendall. I nodded slowly as the cold metal's temperature started to seep through my pajama pants and to my skin.

"It's no problem. Actually, it's kinda nice out here." I admit, stealing another glance at the scenery. Kendall seemed to do the same, but I wasn't paying attention.

"I haven't seen you very much these past couple weeks." He starts. Again, I nod.

"I didn't want to step on anybody's toes. I didn't know Jo that well, and I just wanted you to cope." I answered in a passing glance, never making eye contact. It wasn't all a lie. Yes, I didn't want to step on any toes but I probably knew Jo's true colors better then all of them. Either way, Kendall didn't seem to like that answer.

"Why didn't you talk to me?" His voice was demanding, and I couldn't help but connect with his eyes this time. The expression was clearer then before, this time unmasked. He was in pain.

"I didn't – "

"Bullshit!" Kendall interrupted. "Why. Didn't. You. Talk to me?" His voice was slow and calm but I knew he was anything but.

"I...I..." I stammered. "I was scared." I barely whispered, looking down at my palms that freed themselves from the kangaroo pouch.

"Why? Why were you scared Kate?" His voice was shaking, filled with anger and hurt.

I was hurting him.

I couldn't look at him in the eyes.

"I don't know..." My voice trailed as he stood up from the bench in rage.

"You don't know because you had no right! No right to because you didn't know her! You checked out on her, you checked out on me!" His teeth were clenched as he spat his hateful words in my face. "I love you, Kate! Don't you get that? I love you and you left me for dead! You don't love me you don't even care about me!"

"I did not leave you for dead!" I stood up in outrage. "I do love you!" Our screams were matched even, and I count my blessings that nobody was around to hear us. Otherwise, we'd have an audience. More so then usual.

"I, I needed you." His voice was lower this time, quieter. "I didn't know how to deal with it..." His voice shook as it trailed, concern was apparent on my face.

"Deal with what?" My eyebrows were now furrowed as I walked closer towards him. "Jo's death?"

He nodded slowly and sat back down on the bench. I sat next to him so close that my leg was touching his, and he didn't seem to mind.

Kendall's face was ashen as he turned to me. "How did –" he paused as if he was trying to find the right word, " – how _do_ you deal with the stress? The pressure? The camera's being on you twenty four seven after everything you've been through and not crack?" His face fell into the palm of his hands. "You never crack..." His voices was muffled by the quick breaths he was taking to prevent tears from falling on his face. When he removed his hands I saw that despite his efforts, there were two tears running down either side of his face.

"I guess I've been broken too many times to feel the difference..." My voice trailed as did the tears on his face.

I grasped his head with both hands and wiped the tears away. I'm not sure if Kendall flinched from the cold temperature of my hands or the sudden movement, but his face was so hot compared to everything else around us. He gripped both of my hands and pressed his fingernails into my skin, but my skin was too think for me to feel any real pain.

"There is something _wrong_ with me." He spoke through gritted teeth. This is when real fear started to settle into my soul. Kendall is going mentally insane. He is going crazy from this loss and I can't help him. I can't bring him back from this. I have to at least try, I can't lea –

That when he pulled the arms of his jacket up. I lost all train of thought as my eyes and brain worked together to process what I was seeing. His forearms were brutally cut in every direction possible, some newer, older ones fading. I ran my fingers over one of the newer slices of flesh that were attempting to heal themselves.

Flashbacks of lacerations up and down my own body invaded my thought process. Those were involuntary, these were completely his own doing.

There were probably twenty or more cuts on both arms combined. He was mutilating himself. My voice had vanished as I took my hand back and looked up at him. Fighting back tears burning in my own eyes. My mouth was gaping trying to get sound out but I was too stunned.

"Why?" I mouthed.

The shame was apparent on his face. One question couldn't stop playing in my mind. Why is he confiding in _me_? I was waiting for the demand for me not to tell anyone, that he would in his own time. But it never happened.

"I can't feel any real emotions anymore. Except for pain and loss." He admits, as he goes back to not looking at me when he talks. He fixes his gaze on the closest lamp post, while my eyes are still fixated on his profile, not being able to look away if I wanted too.

"The cuts help me feel the physical pain more then the emotional. Then the loss is drowned out too, and I can forget that...I lost her." He chokes out.

Kendall really loved Jo. I see it now. It's why he could never pick, he could never break up with her because he really cared about her. Guilt washed over me, covering the earlier sense of fear. Kendall always made his attraction to me apparent, but never as apparent as it was with Jo. I got secret sweet nothings whispered in the middle of night while she got press releases and public displays of affection. A new concern was raised in my mind, is Kendall ashamed of me? He never talks to me unless it's the two of us alone. Thinking back, the Good Morning America sit-down in the back alley, the talk in the Roqcue Records hallway, now this. He can't talk to me in public.

But that was a problem for a later date. I forced myself to look at his cuts on his arms again to remind myself of the pain he was in.

"I know it hurts." I start. His eyes look back to mine with curiosity of what I was going to say, and quite frankly I was curious too. "But, things _will_ get better. You've got the world in the palm of your hands, Kendall. You've got friends, family, and you have me. This is not the end of the world."

"But it is the end of _her_ world." He snapped back.

"But not yours." I said simply. "Jo wouldn't want this."

Tears welled back up into his eyes at the sound of her name. "I'm so alone without her." He clasped his hand over his mouth and I couldn't keep my distance anymore. I leaned over and sat myself on his lap, wrapping my arms around him as he leaned his head on my shoulder and began to cry into the sweater. I pressed my lips to the top of his head and rested my cheek on the site. The pain in his cries had tears stream down my own face. The will to fight them from falling was abolished as my hands shakily ran fingers through the chilled strands of hair.

"I love you, Kendall." I whispered. "Please don't hurt yourself anymore."

The sobs slowed as he pulled himself away from my shoulder. "I won't." He panted and filled the air around us. "You're all I have left."

**-x-x-x-x-**

When we walked through the door to the apartment the bright red numbers above the oven said it was 5:23 am. The heater blasted us with artificially hot air and both sweaters and jackets were removed and hung in the coat closet.

I quietly tiptoed into the living room to not awaken a snoring Cleo. I picked up my pillow and blanket in an attempt to fixate myself slightly, then the thought of strangulating the person who made Kendall this insane was apparent in my mind. I looked from the blanket and pillow over to Cleo again and was weighing my options. Pros; the person who has caused hell for me would be dead, I wouldn't have to sleep with one eye open anymore, and I would get twice the inheritance. Cons; I'd probably be caught and go to prison. Whatever. What's 15 years of my already shitty life?

"Hey, Kate?"

My head shot around so fast my hair looked like it could have been in a shampoo commercial. I see Kendall standing shirtless and in plaid pajama pants.

"Yeah?" I loudly whisper, dropping the bedding back onto the couch.

"Can you... sleep with me in the bed tonight?" asked Kendall. He seemed genuinely embarrassed to ask. I took a shot in the dark and guessed it isn't something he's had to straight forward ask a girl before.

"Uh, sure." I tiptoed back out of the living room the same way I walked out. I followed Kendall into his room, which was shared with Logan. Logan, like Cleo, was snoring away on the other side of the room. I shut the door behind me quietly and slipped under the bed sheets with Kendall.

Remembrance of the time we kissed on his bed on the tour bus flashed into my mind, and I realized this is the closest we'd been that wasn't in a hug or compensating each other.

His hand pressed to the small of my back pushed me closer to him and I laid my head on his bare chest listening to his heartbeat. My fingers graced his skin as he spoke to me.

"Thank you, Kate."

Then we both drifted of to sleep.

**A/N: I hope you guys liked that chapter as much as I did ! This is an important chapter in the story, and we're getting closer and closer to the end. I'm predicting five chapter more maybe? Chapter 13 will be here quicker then 12 because I have the plotline for 13 already, while as I opened up 12 as a blank document and just wrote from the heart. **

**Review and tell me what you think of Kate/Kendall! Are you Kate/Kendall or Kate/James? **

– **Ketaura**


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